Yikes

[hils]

Greg and I were having an interesting dicussion yesterday about socialising. He was wondering if we have some sort of moral obligation to try and help people with poor social skills. My answer was that it can only work with people who want to be helped. But what got us talking in the first place was a thread he'd read on a forum about roleplaying. He sent me the link and it was quite alarming

Comments

[bagheera-san.livejournal.com]

Roleplayers often get such a bad rep. My social skills have vastly improved in the years since I've become a roleplayer (and this is coming from someone with formerly AWFUL social skills!) . The problem the guy described in that thread had was probably that he didn't play with others. Because in my experience, an evening of D&D-style roleplaying is 75% sitting around and talking about random stuff with your mates and 25% actual playing. And even then, rolling your dice is the smallest part.

Also, I used to HATE it when more popular people in school came to me and were all "We'll help you to become integrated in the class!" Just, no. That's awfully insulting to me.

What I appreciate are attempts to motivate me to do stuff, or people in uni classes who're willing to chat even if we don't know each other well.

[hils.livejournal.com]

Yes, I would agree 100% with everything you say.

I possibly didn't word my post very well, I was trying to say that you can't force people to be better at talking to others, just help them in social situations if that's what they want

And I roleplay too (or I did) so this wasn't an anti-roleplaying post either

I think the guy mentioned in the above thread was a very extreme example. I know lots of gamers and 90% of them are very socially adept and capable of talking about other things.

I just found it an interesting (and quite scary) post

[pepperjackcandy.livejournal.com]

I'm just starting it (well, I'm up to "it was rare that he made the accompanying pyoo pyoo sounds, but it did happen"), and I'm not worrying about *his* social skills. I'm wondering about *hers.*

I would've been out of there long before that point (the relationship probably would've died a natural death when he found out that I'm the kind of stuck up bitch who thinks she doesn't have to put out (or whatever it is the kids are calling it these days) to keep a guy), and she went on to *marry him*?

[hils.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think there are comments later on saying he was her first boyfriend and she kept hoping it would get better

Quite sad really. Like you I'd have left him long before marriage was on the cards

[gillo]

That is a scary tale. The roleplaying is just the vehicle - a seriously deranged and abusive man will find some means of behaving that way, whatever the pretext. One does have to ask why in hell she went ahead and married him - she must have been desperately low in self-esteem by that point.

I think it's good to encourage people with poor social skills to explore more possibilities, but there comes a point where creepy is just creepy, and no-one has an obligation to accept it.

[hils.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I think Greg said that a little later in the thread the poster explains why she stayed with him for so long but I haven't got that far yet

[midnightangel70.livejournal.com]

OMG! after I had moved everything out of his parents' basement...

Well, that ought to say something about her state of being too, right?

[hils.livejournal.com]

Oh, absolutely. I just found the whole thing quite alarming. Him for being so...unstable and her for staying with him that long. Sometimes I don't understand people

[gyri.livejournal.com]

I couldn't even read the whole thing, as I began to feel I was the one loosing my mind. That was frightening.

I've never role-played, but I imagine it is a great way to foster and use your creativity. BUT: it should NOT be a complete substitute for real life and face-to-face interaction with real people. NOTHING should.

As far as your question regarding a moral obligation to help people with poor social skills: there is a saying one of my mentors has, "never walk a mile for someone going in the opposite direction." Someone--such as the subject of that post--who is suffering from such a deep level of dysfunction can only be helped by trained professionals --IF he decided he needed help.

But, are we obligated to extend friendship and kindness to people who are shy/have poor social skills, but who obviously want to be included? Yes, as decent human beings I believe we are morally obligated to do so. But again, the bulk of the work must be done by the individual who is seeking improvement.

[hils.livejournal.com]

I agree. The specific example we were using was a guy that used to work with us. He was very introverted but to the point where he was defensive and nasty to everyone. I tried to be nice but got nowhere so eventually I gave up.

[gyri.livejournal.com]

I don't blame you for giving up. Extend the hand of kindness, yes, but don't expose yourself to verbal abuse.

I don't think anyone should ever "help" someone else at the expense of their own self-preservation or self-esteem (I'm not referring to heroic acts to save someone's life, here---that's another category)..

What that woman who wrote the post exposed herself through was mental, verbal, and emotional abuse. It's good she finally got away from that sick individual.

[hils.livejournal.com]

Yeah, she's definitely well rid of him

[flickums.livejournal.com]

Not all roleplayers are like that! Honest!

My answer was that it can only work with people who want to be helped.

Absolutely. A while ago Ant took it upon himself to try and help out one of his mates who was gradually losing friends due to his rather inept social skills (particularly with women). While it started to work, eventually he announced that he was only making the effort because he thought all of his friends were jerks and he was just saying these things to them to stop them whining. I think Ant pretty much gave up after that and needless to say, they aren't the best of friends these days.

I admit that I don't have the best social skills and I don't think it's the sort of thing that people can swoop in and help with, but I think one can offer advice on how to boost them. I found the best way of learning social skills was to, well, watch and learn. I watched how people interacted and listened to what they said (something I didn't do until Uni as the people in my school were chav numpties) and quickly picked up on what to say and do around particular people and what not to say and do around particular people.

I think it's something that people can only really teach themselves, but as you said, there has to be a willingness there as well as an awareness that something needs to change.

[hils.livejournal.com]

Hehe! I know not all roleplayers are like that. I was just demonstrating a point...I think. LOL!

[gyri.livejournal.com]

I think it's something that people can only really teach themselves, but as you said, there has to be a willingness there as well as an awareness that something needs to change.

Exactly; well said!