Misha is a twit (pt 2)
Mar. 16th, 2011 03:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hilsContinued from part 1
Just a shout-out to my man @newtgingrich! Newt, you threw an sick party last night! I've never been in a hot tub with a zebra before!
RT @cahmontemor1: "@mishacollins could you please wish me a f*cking happy birthday?" well, since you ask so nicely, no.
Speaking of b-days, it's mine next week & please don't do anything special-as long as you spend at least $1000, it's the thought that counts
Sorry, that last twit about birthdays, sounded a little presumptuous. I should have said, "at least $1000, or the livestock equivalent."
My sweet @sarahpalinusa-i wanted to call to thank u for an amazing night, but all that whipped cream shorted out my phone.
Last night I watched @sarahpalinusa solve a Rubik's Cube with her tongue in 31 seconds. She's a genius & I challenge anyone to refudiate me.
for those who don't subscribe to American Linguist Quarterly, "refudiate" is a new English word. Sarah invented it. That's how smart she is.
.@naturalmistake asks, "are you and Sarah dating?" NO. I want to put that rumor to rest. @sarapalinusa & i are taking it slow & having fun.
Last night at a bar i got in a wicked argument with a drunken idiot about the proposed mosque at ground zero: http://twitpic.com/2fo5p1
Thanks for trending #mishasbdayparade. Makes me feel better after Obama suddenly changed his mind about making today a national holiday.
It's also nice to see that Mr. Twitter hasn't lost his Stalinist zeal when it comes to censoring all things misha. The trend's been removed.
It is plain wrong to steal from your family members' or coworkers' wallets. However-if you were to do so-spend it here: www.jesusfoodsex.org
Apparently the last link i sent is difficult to open if you live in Iran or work in an office. Here's an alternate URL: www.therandomact.org
If u take this to it's logical conclusion, it's possible that some bleak day u would no longer able to open pornographic websites at work.
Some have complained that www.jesusfoodsex.org is false advertising. I say it depends on how you define the terms; "Jesus," "food" & "sex."
It's a matter of inflection. The URL is supposed to read like a tough decision: "Jesus! Food? Sex?" I think it's unfair to make you choose.
go to www.jesusfoodsex.org & pledge. Pledge a penny or a dollar it doesn't matter. I'll tweet my location from the run & u can watch me die.
? @JinglovesTim, No credit card? What a gross injustice! By the time my kids are 14, they'll have credit cards, fake I.D.s, and hand guns.
. @witchhistorian i actually do have some first-time home buyer advice, which i learned the hard way-fiberglass insulation IS NOT DIGESTIBLE
our server crashed this morning-that's what happens when 77,000 people tried to pledge simultaneously. www.therandomact.org is working now.
I came to a hotel in vancouver to meet Gorbachev for drinks, & i'm being swarmed by people asking for photos-I must look like someone famous
I'm going for a jog. This is my starting point. Frost Road and highway 547. This is gonna be easy.
#MotionX Share: I am running. here me roar. http://bit.ly/9lAM8z
Further documentation. http://plixi.com/p/43437242
#MotionX Share: I am running. here me roar. http://bit.ly/cM27XJ
Running update: as u can see, it's pretty here, what the photo doesn't show is that I just peed on my sneaker. http://plixi.com/p/43461953
#MotionX Share: I am running. here me roar. http://bit.ly/bWFCCO
#MotionX Share: I am running. here me roar. http://bit.ly/bpE3Ps
It ain't easy to type while running. Video? http://twitvid.com/HMI12
Some fan girls came out. http://twitvid.com/VOUFM
I'll be passing through sedro-Woolley, WA in a couple of hours. If anyone lives near-bye, i could use some advil.
Blackberry(s) captured by an iPhone camera at 51.2 kilometers. The only thing that hurts is my body. http://plixi.com/p/43495910
#MotionX Share: I am running. here me roar. http://bit.ly/a5bHOS
So far 3 cars have stopped with Advil for me. I'm trying not to overdose.
Apparently wit is the first faculty to give out on long runs. This is all I've got. http://twitvid.com/AUEID
They have a sadly outdated transportation system here in sedro-Woolley. http://plixi.com/p/43511754
#MotionX Share: I went right just now when meant to go left and doubled back a couple of K, but I've crossed 64k. http://bit.ly/amxr18
These 2 came to say they're starting a local chapter of random acts University. We're a franchise like mcdonalds! http://twitvid.com/NYGPE
I'm slowing, but still going. I'm past 70k and for that, I am very, very sorry @jumblejim (he pledged $50/k).
And by "k" I mean kilometer. It's normal to lose vision in one eye, right?
#MotionX Share: I think that's enough. I'm going to stop now. http://bit.ly/9npIyP
This seemed like a good stopping point. http://plixi.com/p/43537663
Final count: 83km. That's a little over 50 miles for those of u who speak American.
I hobbled in to a masseuse bragging, "I just ran 50 miles." She looked @ me disdainfully & said "my friend ran 100k." No happy ending either
Thanks to everyone who came out with drugs & water 4 me on Sunday. Thanks to Peaches, AC DC, The Killers & Radio Lab for keeping me company.
most importantly-thanks for your donations to a good cause! The money will go to giving underprivileged kids a chance to hunt baby Pandas.
Special thanks 2 @jumblejim. He donated more than everyone else combined. He was also the only one with the decency to call & see how i was.
By the way, @jumblejim, i think you made the right choice. i don't think your daughter really needed to attend a four-year college anyway.
Thanks @sharkgoddess, for alerting us to this brutality. This is Florida's police dealing with a stray pony... http://tinyurl.com/24fjwzk
If you say you're going to do something, do it! Don't back down just because your actions might start a Holy War. http://tinyurl.com/38mp6b3
Excellent. I lost 50 followers with that last tweet. Hopefully those of you remaining are the ones who understand sarcasm.
It's good to cull & purge the easily offended from time to time. I don't want just anybody following me here. i want the best-the brightest.
I'll amend that: I want the best, the brightest, and the most sycophantic. (in case you don't know a sycophant is the same as a lickspittle)
I went to yoga today with @colinferg. The teacher said inappropriately flirty things to us like, "R u guys okay? U can stop if u need to".
I don't know who these guys are, but they keep following me into the bathroom and it's freaking me out. http://plixi.com/p/44990873
I've decided to wax my bikini line. I want it done perfectly, so i'm getting it done here: http://tinyurl.com/26j5tfz you should come too.
i spoke to Brazilian President Luiz Inácio & he's agreed to postpone Carnival a couple of months so the festival coincides with my trip!
Quando eu vim para este evento em São Paulo, eu vou precisar de aulas de samba. http://tinyurl.com/26j5tfz
Mr. Twitter, if you think labeling my account "Verified" will mute my antiestablishment voice, think again! Anyone know how I get sponsors?
That said, now that my account is verified, i do feel a certain responsibility to start twitting like a real celebrity.
HAPPY SATURDAY TWEET PEEEPS! OMG. I'm having the best Americano! I soooooo needed the boost!!! LOL :)
Yo tweet peeps! Yoo guys ROCK OUT with your COCKs OUT! Check it OUT! OMFG LMFAO. BBQ! :) <3 http://plixi.com
I've been busy training our newest operative the past eleven days. He makes Rambo look like a delicate rose petal. http://twitpic.com/2uroul
This is one of our more grueling training sessions... http://twitpic.com/2urr1c
Remember Random Acts? if you know a person or community that should we should do something nice for, nominate them. http://bit.ly/bZkRS1
Also, remember how i ran until my legs gave out? If you haven't made good on your pledge yet, and don't want your kneecaps broken...
Ahh, it feels good to be back and to be threatening perfect strangers in the name of charity again. All is right with the world.
For those asking, yes! U can work with Random Acts from Iran, Brazil, even from inside Guantanamo-Please don't nominate known serial killers
I'm in Chicago where I've been invited to judge a beauty contest. So far, this cutie is the frontrunner. http://plixi.com/p/49862270
Looks like this guy just took first place as #1 beauty: http://plixi.com/p/49874243
a few pests have been clogging my timeline with annoying requests for a certain photo. Here. Now leave me alone: http://twitpic.com/2wroyb
Eu desesperadamente querem vir para Portugal. Por favor, venha para este evento, para que possamos dançar juntos. http://tinyurl.com/2epb4b6
Glad to hear the extraction of the Chilean miners is going well. I wasn't positive my capsule design was going to work
. @justinbieber's in Vancouver! before his show tonight we're going to play laser tag & I'm going to give him feedback on his autobiography.
Warner Bros. just called & they'll give me a live rhinoceros if the three guys wearing earth tones win this poll: http://tinyurl.com/2c6kr8e
Vote as many times as you like. It's not like those rigged presidential elections where you can only vote once. http://tinyurl.com/2c6kr8e
I can't do this alone & I'm not one to hog winnings, so if we win, i'll carve the rhino up & mail little dried pieces of it to each of you.
I used to think i wanted to be President when i grew up, but now i see what i really wanted to be was an earring. http://twitpic.com/31fzes
For those meeting me in the UK this weekend, whomever brings the largest turnip wins a jar of my homemade wild grape jelly & a palm reading.
I'm in the UK. The Queen came to my hotel last night to "discuss policy." It's 7AM & I need Her out, but She's so cute when She's sleeping.
Not to kiss & tell, but I was woken up last night learning that Elizabeth, or should I say, Her Majesty, wears dentures. She's very nimble.
Hi! There is no booze here.
Disregard last missive. Phone was hijacked by known felon, @hils_k. I am sorry. Go back to sleep.
I just met a super sweet white guy with a wicked tan. http://plixi.com/p/53879281
I am involved in one of the most important political movements of this century... Http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QX4wO-QYEU
Only four hours left! Man your battle stations and vote repeatedly! (We'll win this, or break the Internet trying!) http://bit.ly/a7wz7S
So this drunk lady begs for my phone# & I deflect with "facebook me." She say's "what's FB?" Just 1 week later... http://tinyurl.com/39sqmys
you must watch this important public service announcement that i made with some friends: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vK56ZS3aPgI
,@myjedimindtrick the tree was already dead from a forest fire, smartypants. PS every time u read a funny book u've killed a tree 4 comedy.
i feel bad. I agreed to facilitate this wedding proposal without disclosing that i have rights of prima nocta. http://tinyurl.com/2fea6qk
FYI, if you're not hip to the jargon of modern relationship paradigms this is the definition of Prima Nocta: http://tinyurl.com/2d7ed75
@hils_k if you're still conscious by the second mention of robot heads, you haven't drunk enough.
today at my "other job," i had to work with this guy who wouldn't stop bitching. I didn't let it bother me though. http://twitpic.com/39ecgd
i feel terrible-I was at my buddy Kim Jong Il's & I mistook a rocket launcher for an X-Box controller-I vow to never drink in a bunker again
I shouldn't be so hard on myself. With the impending "war games" in the region, X-boxes & launch controllers are all too easily confused.
Kim Jong lI, I know you love reading my twits, but if u don't knock it off on the peninsula, I'll block u here & unfriend u on facebook too.
I hate to take such extreme-some might say inhumane-measures, but it's obvious that Obama & Lee Myung-bak's military build-up isn't enough.
This guy broke into my house & got into my home mustache-making kit. He's in police custody now. http://twitpic.com/3cja6p
, @hils_k we'de hate to lose u. don't jump. Or if you do, make sure to take out a sizable life insurance policy in my name first.
The TV Guide poll-results are in. No big surprises here, the cover went to the show we all expected to see win. http://tinyurl.com/2fbsgu5
They left one guy off the cover because, as they put it, "The public is not ready for that kind of raw, unbridled, sexual magnetism."
anyway, to celebrate, i stayed up late and crashed tumblr.
if you recall, since we won, Warner Bros. will be rewarding me with a Rhino. True to my word, i will cut it up & share it with you all.
To redeem rhino portion, send self-addressed, plastic-lined, stamped envelope to me at: PO Box 74557, 2768 W. Broadway, Vancouver, BC V6K1K1
i have six figures worth of followers now. To celebrate this milestone, i'm going to treat myself to an hour in the dryer on medium heat.
Now it's time for a new challenge: See if i can be sufficiently offensive (or boring) to get my # of followers down to 0 by 2012
welcome to twitter, @dicksp8jr! Here's how it works: U type ur thoughts in the box & then animal rights activists reply with death threats.
Forget TV guide. I want to grace the cover of a periodical of substance. Please petition the editors of this mag: feedback@crochettoday.com
@CopyKween writes: "Haha, the sad thing is, people probably WILL petition that magazine for you." I can't believe you'd call my dreams sad.
@hils_k ah, it's you again. You're my stalkee.
some followers r spamming me 4 attention. It worked & i learned something in the process: Pathological boredom is a debilitating affliction.
thanks for the advice y'all, but i won't block anyone. It would give them too much of a sense of power. Mocking is better than blocking.
In other news...
I just copied all of my tweets to Wikileaks. When Assange releases them, the press is going to have a field day & Barack is going to resign.
& @hils_k, thank you for thinking of me. This would make a lovely stocking stuffer: http://bit.ly/gnaHkJ PS (you weren't 1 of the spammers)
Netflix will carry "Loot," a documentary I produced, if 1000 people put it in their queue by tomorrow. I'll weep tears of joy if u help me.
I slept for an entire hour last night, so i'm feeling much fresher and more rested than usual.
serious note: PLEASE DON'T overdo it on Christmas. If u must send me a gift, a little trinket like this is fine: http://tinyurl.com/25q3uv6
,@inmydreamworld_ asks "Why do you never tweet your fans back? I'm disappointed in you!" But that is a totally an unfair accusation
actually, @inmydreamworld_, i frequently tweet replies, but twitter sensors what i write because of some dumb rules about "hate speech."
For those correcting my spelling, twitter actually places tiny "sensors" on my replies, which it then electrocutes, thus "censoring" them.
i'm not usually one to admit fallibility, but in truth, I should probably be locked away in a maximum security spelling asylum.
,@lizajaneok Road Rule #1: Avoid oncoming traffic. Rule #2: Don't twit and drive. I won't be responsible for your death. put down the phone.
, Kim_D09 writes, "@mishacollins I'm at work and really bored. Can you call and entertain me??" Sure. What's your number?
,@NataliaGWyatt, спасибо Большое. И я люблю Россию, русских, и русского языка... ой, а также блины
@Waywordangel writes, "@mishacollins Misha whats your stance on really small yappy type dogs?" I think they're delicious. Why do you ask?
I just phoned @Kim_D09. She seems very nice and she works at a library where they play musical desks (in case any of you were wondering).
Happy holidays! I'm having Christmas with @sarapalinusa & her family. We're taking sniper rifles up in a helicopter to go reindeer hunting!
I bought 104,000 gifts for you all, but customs decided that they were a "national security threat" & incinerated them on the runway. Sorry.
Happy 2011! My New Year's resolutions: 1)-Stop scaring small children & 2)-Chew off my own leg in a daring escape. What're your resolutions?
After we win this (which is like stealing candy from a baby), we should take it up a notch & win a Senate seat. http://tinyurl.com/29cupfq
RT "@freetodream5: dude we can't let SPN and @mishacollins stupid minions win!" Sure you can, @freetodream. http://tinyurl.com/233rv3a
I see mutinous rantings here suggesting "overthrow for neglect" Well, I have u heartless a-holes know I've been absent for medical reasons.
I wanted to twit, but couldn't owing to a small hang nail on my left pinky. I've also been laying low because one of my eye lashes fell out.
Normally i include editorial with retwits, but this speaks 4 itself: RT @Soulful_Sam: Does "medical reasons" translate to "sore from sex"?
Any of u good video editors or special events planners? If so, we need your help bringing the world to it's knees. Contact @therandomactorg
That was a professional request. On a personal note, i'm looking 4 a mealworm abatement specialist & a cosmetic knee augmentation surgeon.
Hey @tpolamalu & @TwitChange I'm in!!! @TwitChange 2.0: @ http://TwitChange.com if i can sedate her, i'll auction off my grandmother.
I talked to the twitchange folks & as it turns out, they have a strict policy against selling the elderly, so I've decided to bow out.
Мои друзья, я сожалею о смерти в вашей стране. Когда-нибудь люди перестанут быть такими придурками.
- @SammiBlossom writes, "tell me a bedtime story? I can't sleep :(" OK. Once upon a time there was a little girl who had a pet marmoset and
Breaking Analysis: Twitter proves to be a poor tool for curing insomnia.
how many of you live in China? I'm thinking of coming to Inner Mongolia. Does twitter even exist in China or is it, like Google, illegal?
Thanks for answering my questions so thoroughly. I was asking because i'm going to have breakfast with China's President, Hu, this morning.
Actually, while i'm on the subject, i want to dress right for the occasion. Which hat should i wear? This one: http://twitpic.com/3twunt ?
Or maybe something more traditionally chinese like this one: http://twitpic.com/3twvdj ?
Or should i just go boring and wear something stately and masculine? http://twitpic.com/3twvsv
I am at a very exciting adult film shoot called @10ontop
You've heard the term "MILF"? Well this is a DILF: http://plixi.com/p/74134692
When Mubarak told me he wouldn't step down for several more months, I was miffed, so i organized a rally in Cairo. http://twitpic.com/3vmwdm
How many of these fucking things do we have to win before they stop holding elections? http://bit.ly/gdc2ys
Where have you been!!? I've been worried sick. This kind of irresponsible behavior leaves me no recourse. You're all grounded for a week.
For those requesting spankings, i don't subscribe to corporeal punishment. & for that matter, i no longer subscribe to spank magazine either
,@miss_whoops, caning doesn't count as "corporeal punishment." Caning is motivation. without it my employees would be hopelessly inefficient
not you, Kim. You're an octopus. Octopuses need no external motivators. And PS everyone, i was testing you. it's "corporal" not "corporeal"
those of you who smugly corrected my spelling from octopuses to octopi. You're grounded an additional week. http://tinyurl.com/2fvjosj
Has anyone who sent in their plastic-lined envelope not yet received their rhino bit? I'm experimenting with something weird... Being fair.
To be clear, this fairness thing it's a one-time experiment and I already don't like it. In fact I'd call it a failed experiment.
In response to your many inquiries: Yes, it is too late to send in your envelope. U missed the arbitrary & unannounced cut-off date.
Mubarak resigned! The military asked me to serve as interim president, but I'd miss the end of snowboarding season, so I had to decline.
Lamentamos informá-los que Jared, Jensen e Misha não estarão presentes na convenção Clipremierevents em Lisboa no mês de Abril.
Top NSA brass asked me to post that last coded message for a field operative. I can't be certain, but I think it was a recipe for macaroons.
No entanto, eu vou estar aqui: http://www.klzevents.com/RisingConBrazil/shop onde eu vou fazer de tudo para ser preso.
Top NSA brass asked me to post that last coded message for a field operative. I can't be certain, but I think it was a recipe for macaroons.
I just had a great bbbj, cim and Greek with @sarahpalinusa. I take back everything nasty I've said about her. She's super sweet.
Let's hope that this whole malicious dictator thing is going out of style (myself exempted).
Gadgafi said Bin Ladin put pills in ordinary Libyans' nescafe, which incited them to revolt. Anyone know where I can buy those pills online?
RT @Chalaine35: try www.crazyassdictatorsupply.com :: good answer. I think that company goes under the name "wallmart" in the US.
It's a point of pride with me that I don't know how "wallmartt" is spelled.
for those who don't know what i'm talking about... http://tinyurl.com/6a6ekby
Ola mishamigos! J2 got me good. Really starting to feel like one of the guys.
IMHO j&j had a late one last night. Rotflmfao!
My phone was stolen and apparently cast into a parallel universe devoid of magic. I've retrieved it. I promise it won't happen again.
Newbies: "mishamigos" was an offensive parody. My followers use the more empowering (& ethnically neutral) titles of "minions" or "flunkies"
Those who participated in the Rhino Hunt, i have determined a winning team (Hint: it was not Team 6). I will be notifying you in a few days.
A lesson: If you keep your word & make good on your debts... http://twitpic.com/455daj .. Karma will reward you... http://twitpic.com/45sxnl
You all know i don't like to seriously endorse anyone or anything, but this guy i met is an amazing musician... http://twitpic.com/46kqbc
RT "@charliesheen: Wrote it in my sleep! #tigerblood not in the index! http://yfrog.com/h317196599j" No u didn't, douche bag, my wife did.
RT @Zeoski: @mishacollins you only wish your wife did.... No, actually, my wife did write it. Google it.
親愛なる日本の友人、私はそうあなたの国に何が起こったかについては申し訳なく思っている。私はあなたに私の愛を送信しています。私は天使たちがあなたを見ていると思います。
I'm going to Haiti this summer. Anyone want to come with me? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GL_1plEmvE&feature=youtu.be
.@mattcohen4real is coming to Haiti too. He's the brains of the operation, I'm the brawn. No. That's not right. He's the brains & the brawn.
What happened in Japan is killing me. So sad. Its like the apocalypse happened, but only in one country.
Just a shout-out to my man @newtgingrich! Newt, you threw an sick party last night! I've never been in a hot tub with a zebra before!
RT @cahmontemor1: "@mishacollins could you please wish me a f*cking happy birthday?" well, since you ask so nicely, no.
Speaking of b-days, it's mine next week & please don't do anything special-as long as you spend at least $1000, it's the thought that counts
Sorry, that last twit about birthdays, sounded a little presumptuous. I should have said, "at least $1000, or the livestock equivalent."
My sweet @sarahpalinusa-i wanted to call to thank u for an amazing night, but all that whipped cream shorted out my phone.
Last night I watched @sarahpalinusa solve a Rubik's Cube with her tongue in 31 seconds. She's a genius & I challenge anyone to refudiate me.
for those who don't subscribe to American Linguist Quarterly, "refudiate" is a new English word. Sarah invented it. That's how smart she is.
.@naturalmistake asks, "are you and Sarah dating?" NO. I want to put that rumor to rest. @sarapalinusa & i are taking it slow & having fun.
Last night at a bar i got in a wicked argument with a drunken idiot about the proposed mosque at ground zero: http://twitpic.com/2fo5p1
Thanks for trending #mishasbdayparade. Makes me feel better after Obama suddenly changed his mind about making today a national holiday.
It's also nice to see that Mr. Twitter hasn't lost his Stalinist zeal when it comes to censoring all things misha. The trend's been removed.
It is plain wrong to steal from your family members' or coworkers' wallets. However-if you were to do so-spend it here: www.jesusfoodsex.org
Apparently the last link i sent is difficult to open if you live in Iran or work in an office. Here's an alternate URL: www.therandomact.org
If u take this to it's logical conclusion, it's possible that some bleak day u would no longer able to open pornographic websites at work.
Some have complained that www.jesusfoodsex.org is false advertising. I say it depends on how you define the terms; "Jesus," "food" & "sex."
It's a matter of inflection. The URL is supposed to read like a tough decision: "Jesus! Food? Sex?" I think it's unfair to make you choose.
go to www.jesusfoodsex.org & pledge. Pledge a penny or a dollar it doesn't matter. I'll tweet my location from the run & u can watch me die.
? @JinglovesTim, No credit card? What a gross injustice! By the time my kids are 14, they'll have credit cards, fake I.D.s, and hand guns.
. @witchhistorian i actually do have some first-time home buyer advice, which i learned the hard way-fiberglass insulation IS NOT DIGESTIBLE
our server crashed this morning-that's what happens when 77,000 people tried to pledge simultaneously. www.therandomact.org is working now.
I came to a hotel in vancouver to meet Gorbachev for drinks, & i'm being swarmed by people asking for photos-I must look like someone famous
I'm going for a jog. This is my starting point. Frost Road and highway 547. This is gonna be easy.
#MotionX Share: I am running. here me roar. http://bit.ly/9lAM8z
Further documentation. http://plixi.com/p/43437242
#MotionX Share: I am running. here me roar. http://bit.ly/cM27XJ
Running update: as u can see, it's pretty here, what the photo doesn't show is that I just peed on my sneaker. http://plixi.com/p/43461953
#MotionX Share: I am running. here me roar. http://bit.ly/bWFCCO
#MotionX Share: I am running. here me roar. http://bit.ly/bpE3Ps
It ain't easy to type while running. Video? http://twitvid.com/HMI12
Some fan girls came out. http://twitvid.com/VOUFM
I'll be passing through sedro-Woolley, WA in a couple of hours. If anyone lives near-bye, i could use some advil.
Blackberry(s) captured by an iPhone camera at 51.2 kilometers. The only thing that hurts is my body. http://plixi.com/p/43495910
#MotionX Share: I am running. here me roar. http://bit.ly/a5bHOS
So far 3 cars have stopped with Advil for me. I'm trying not to overdose.
Apparently wit is the first faculty to give out on long runs. This is all I've got. http://twitvid.com/AUEID
They have a sadly outdated transportation system here in sedro-Woolley. http://plixi.com/p/43511754
#MotionX Share: I went right just now when meant to go left and doubled back a couple of K, but I've crossed 64k. http://bit.ly/amxr18
These 2 came to say they're starting a local chapter of random acts University. We're a franchise like mcdonalds! http://twitvid.com/NYGPE
I'm slowing, but still going. I'm past 70k and for that, I am very, very sorry @jumblejim (he pledged $50/k).
And by "k" I mean kilometer. It's normal to lose vision in one eye, right?
#MotionX Share: I think that's enough. I'm going to stop now. http://bit.ly/9npIyP
This seemed like a good stopping point. http://plixi.com/p/43537663
Final count: 83km. That's a little over 50 miles for those of u who speak American.
I hobbled in to a masseuse bragging, "I just ran 50 miles." She looked @ me disdainfully & said "my friend ran 100k." No happy ending either
Thanks to everyone who came out with drugs & water 4 me on Sunday. Thanks to Peaches, AC DC, The Killers & Radio Lab for keeping me company.
most importantly-thanks for your donations to a good cause! The money will go to giving underprivileged kids a chance to hunt baby Pandas.
Special thanks 2 @jumblejim. He donated more than everyone else combined. He was also the only one with the decency to call & see how i was.
By the way, @jumblejim, i think you made the right choice. i don't think your daughter really needed to attend a four-year college anyway.
Thanks @sharkgoddess, for alerting us to this brutality. This is Florida's police dealing with a stray pony... http://tinyurl.com/24fjwzk
If you say you're going to do something, do it! Don't back down just because your actions might start a Holy War. http://tinyurl.com/38mp6b3
Excellent. I lost 50 followers with that last tweet. Hopefully those of you remaining are the ones who understand sarcasm.
It's good to cull & purge the easily offended from time to time. I don't want just anybody following me here. i want the best-the brightest.
I'll amend that: I want the best, the brightest, and the most sycophantic. (in case you don't know a sycophant is the same as a lickspittle)
I went to yoga today with @colinferg. The teacher said inappropriately flirty things to us like, "R u guys okay? U can stop if u need to".
I don't know who these guys are, but they keep following me into the bathroom and it's freaking me out. http://plixi.com/p/44990873
I've decided to wax my bikini line. I want it done perfectly, so i'm getting it done here: http://tinyurl.com/26j5tfz you should come too.
i spoke to Brazilian President Luiz Inácio & he's agreed to postpone Carnival a couple of months so the festival coincides with my trip!
Quando eu vim para este evento em São Paulo, eu vou precisar de aulas de samba. http://tinyurl.com/26j5tfz
Mr. Twitter, if you think labeling my account "Verified" will mute my antiestablishment voice, think again! Anyone know how I get sponsors?
That said, now that my account is verified, i do feel a certain responsibility to start twitting like a real celebrity.
HAPPY SATURDAY TWEET PEEEPS! OMG. I'm having the best Americano! I soooooo needed the boost!!! LOL :)
Yo tweet peeps! Yoo guys ROCK OUT with your COCKs OUT! Check it OUT! OMFG LMFAO. BBQ! :) <3 http://plixi.com
I've been busy training our newest operative the past eleven days. He makes Rambo look like a delicate rose petal. http://twitpic.com/2uroul
This is one of our more grueling training sessions... http://twitpic.com/2urr1c
Remember Random Acts? if you know a person or community that should we should do something nice for, nominate them. http://bit.ly/bZkRS1
Also, remember how i ran until my legs gave out? If you haven't made good on your pledge yet, and don't want your kneecaps broken...
Ahh, it feels good to be back and to be threatening perfect strangers in the name of charity again. All is right with the world.
For those asking, yes! U can work with Random Acts from Iran, Brazil, even from inside Guantanamo-Please don't nominate known serial killers
I'm in Chicago where I've been invited to judge a beauty contest. So far, this cutie is the frontrunner. http://plixi.com/p/49862270
Looks like this guy just took first place as #1 beauty: http://plixi.com/p/49874243
a few pests have been clogging my timeline with annoying requests for a certain photo. Here. Now leave me alone: http://twitpic.com/2wroyb
Eu desesperadamente querem vir para Portugal. Por favor, venha para este evento, para que possamos dançar juntos. http://tinyurl.com/2epb4b6
Glad to hear the extraction of the Chilean miners is going well. I wasn't positive my capsule design was going to work
. @justinbieber's in Vancouver! before his show tonight we're going to play laser tag & I'm going to give him feedback on his autobiography.
Warner Bros. just called & they'll give me a live rhinoceros if the three guys wearing earth tones win this poll: http://tinyurl.com/2c6kr8e
Vote as many times as you like. It's not like those rigged presidential elections where you can only vote once. http://tinyurl.com/2c6kr8e
I can't do this alone & I'm not one to hog winnings, so if we win, i'll carve the rhino up & mail little dried pieces of it to each of you.
I used to think i wanted to be President when i grew up, but now i see what i really wanted to be was an earring. http://twitpic.com/31fzes
For those meeting me in the UK this weekend, whomever brings the largest turnip wins a jar of my homemade wild grape jelly & a palm reading.
I'm in the UK. The Queen came to my hotel last night to "discuss policy." It's 7AM & I need Her out, but She's so cute when She's sleeping.
Not to kiss & tell, but I was woken up last night learning that Elizabeth, or should I say, Her Majesty, wears dentures. She's very nimble.
Hi! There is no booze here.
Disregard last missive. Phone was hijacked by known felon, @hils_k. I am sorry. Go back to sleep.
I just met a super sweet white guy with a wicked tan. http://plixi.com/p/53879281
I am involved in one of the most important political movements of this century... Http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QX4wO-QYEU
Only four hours left! Man your battle stations and vote repeatedly! (We'll win this, or break the Internet trying!) http://bit.ly/a7wz7S
So this drunk lady begs for my phone# & I deflect with "facebook me." She say's "what's FB?" Just 1 week later... http://tinyurl.com/39sqmys
you must watch this important public service announcement that i made with some friends: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vK56ZS3aPgI
,@myjedimindtrick the tree was already dead from a forest fire, smartypants. PS every time u read a funny book u've killed a tree 4 comedy.
i feel bad. I agreed to facilitate this wedding proposal without disclosing that i have rights of prima nocta. http://tinyurl.com/2fea6qk
FYI, if you're not hip to the jargon of modern relationship paradigms this is the definition of Prima Nocta: http://tinyurl.com/2d7ed75
@hils_k if you're still conscious by the second mention of robot heads, you haven't drunk enough.
today at my "other job," i had to work with this guy who wouldn't stop bitching. I didn't let it bother me though. http://twitpic.com/39ecgd
i feel terrible-I was at my buddy Kim Jong Il's & I mistook a rocket launcher for an X-Box controller-I vow to never drink in a bunker again
I shouldn't be so hard on myself. With the impending "war games" in the region, X-boxes & launch controllers are all too easily confused.
Kim Jong lI, I know you love reading my twits, but if u don't knock it off on the peninsula, I'll block u here & unfriend u on facebook too.
I hate to take such extreme-some might say inhumane-measures, but it's obvious that Obama & Lee Myung-bak's military build-up isn't enough.
This guy broke into my house & got into my home mustache-making kit. He's in police custody now. http://twitpic.com/3cja6p
, @hils_k we'de hate to lose u. don't jump. Or if you do, make sure to take out a sizable life insurance policy in my name first.
The TV Guide poll-results are in. No big surprises here, the cover went to the show we all expected to see win. http://tinyurl.com/2fbsgu5
They left one guy off the cover because, as they put it, "The public is not ready for that kind of raw, unbridled, sexual magnetism."
anyway, to celebrate, i stayed up late and crashed tumblr.
if you recall, since we won, Warner Bros. will be rewarding me with a Rhino. True to my word, i will cut it up & share it with you all.
To redeem rhino portion, send self-addressed, plastic-lined, stamped envelope to me at: PO Box 74557, 2768 W. Broadway, Vancouver, BC V6K1K1
i have six figures worth of followers now. To celebrate this milestone, i'm going to treat myself to an hour in the dryer on medium heat.
Now it's time for a new challenge: See if i can be sufficiently offensive (or boring) to get my # of followers down to 0 by 2012
welcome to twitter, @dicksp8jr! Here's how it works: U type ur thoughts in the box & then animal rights activists reply with death threats.
Forget TV guide. I want to grace the cover of a periodical of substance. Please petition the editors of this mag: feedback@crochettoday.com
@CopyKween writes: "Haha, the sad thing is, people probably WILL petition that magazine for you." I can't believe you'd call my dreams sad.
@hils_k ah, it's you again. You're my stalkee.
some followers r spamming me 4 attention. It worked & i learned something in the process: Pathological boredom is a debilitating affliction.
thanks for the advice y'all, but i won't block anyone. It would give them too much of a sense of power. Mocking is better than blocking.
In other news...
I just copied all of my tweets to Wikileaks. When Assange releases them, the press is going to have a field day & Barack is going to resign.
& @hils_k, thank you for thinking of me. This would make a lovely stocking stuffer: http://bit.ly/gnaHkJ PS (you weren't 1 of the spammers)
Netflix will carry "Loot," a documentary I produced, if 1000 people put it in their queue by tomorrow. I'll weep tears of joy if u help me.
I slept for an entire hour last night, so i'm feeling much fresher and more rested than usual.
serious note: PLEASE DON'T overdo it on Christmas. If u must send me a gift, a little trinket like this is fine: http://tinyurl.com/25q3uv6
,@inmydreamworld_ asks "Why do you never tweet your fans back? I'm disappointed in you!" But that is a totally an unfair accusation
actually, @inmydreamworld_, i frequently tweet replies, but twitter sensors what i write because of some dumb rules about "hate speech."
For those correcting my spelling, twitter actually places tiny "sensors" on my replies, which it then electrocutes, thus "censoring" them.
i'm not usually one to admit fallibility, but in truth, I should probably be locked away in a maximum security spelling asylum.
,@lizajaneok Road Rule #1: Avoid oncoming traffic. Rule #2: Don't twit and drive. I won't be responsible for your death. put down the phone.
, Kim_D09 writes, "@mishacollins I'm at work and really bored. Can you call and entertain me??" Sure. What's your number?
,@NataliaGWyatt, спасибо Большое. И я люблю Россию, русских, и русского языка... ой, а также блины
@Waywordangel writes, "@mishacollins Misha whats your stance on really small yappy type dogs?" I think they're delicious. Why do you ask?
I just phoned @Kim_D09. She seems very nice and she works at a library where they play musical desks (in case any of you were wondering).
Happy holidays! I'm having Christmas with @sarapalinusa & her family. We're taking sniper rifles up in a helicopter to go reindeer hunting!
I bought 104,000 gifts for you all, but customs decided that they were a "national security threat" & incinerated them on the runway. Sorry.
Happy 2011! My New Year's resolutions: 1)-Stop scaring small children & 2)-Chew off my own leg in a daring escape. What're your resolutions?
After we win this (which is like stealing candy from a baby), we should take it up a notch & win a Senate seat. http://tinyurl.com/29cupfq
RT "@freetodream5: dude we can't let SPN and @mishacollins stupid minions win!" Sure you can, @freetodream. http://tinyurl.com/233rv3a
I see mutinous rantings here suggesting "overthrow for neglect" Well, I have u heartless a-holes know I've been absent for medical reasons.
I wanted to twit, but couldn't owing to a small hang nail on my left pinky. I've also been laying low because one of my eye lashes fell out.
Normally i include editorial with retwits, but this speaks 4 itself: RT @Soulful_Sam: Does "medical reasons" translate to "sore from sex"?
Any of u good video editors or special events planners? If so, we need your help bringing the world to it's knees. Contact @therandomactorg
That was a professional request. On a personal note, i'm looking 4 a mealworm abatement specialist & a cosmetic knee augmentation surgeon.
Hey @tpolamalu & @TwitChange I'm in!!! @TwitChange 2.0: @ http://TwitChange.com if i can sedate her, i'll auction off my grandmother.
I talked to the twitchange folks & as it turns out, they have a strict policy against selling the elderly, so I've decided to bow out.
Мои друзья, я сожалею о смерти в вашей стране. Когда-нибудь люди перестанут быть такими придурками.
- @SammiBlossom writes, "tell me a bedtime story? I can't sleep :(" OK. Once upon a time there was a little girl who had a pet marmoset and
Breaking Analysis: Twitter proves to be a poor tool for curing insomnia.
how many of you live in China? I'm thinking of coming to Inner Mongolia. Does twitter even exist in China or is it, like Google, illegal?
Thanks for answering my questions so thoroughly. I was asking because i'm going to have breakfast with China's President, Hu, this morning.
Actually, while i'm on the subject, i want to dress right for the occasion. Which hat should i wear? This one: http://twitpic.com/3twunt ?
Or maybe something more traditionally chinese like this one: http://twitpic.com/3twvdj ?
Or should i just go boring and wear something stately and masculine? http://twitpic.com/3twvsv
I am at a very exciting adult film shoot called @10ontop
You've heard the term "MILF"? Well this is a DILF: http://plixi.com/p/74134692
When Mubarak told me he wouldn't step down for several more months, I was miffed, so i organized a rally in Cairo. http://twitpic.com/3vmwdm
How many of these fucking things do we have to win before they stop holding elections? http://bit.ly/gdc2ys
Where have you been!!? I've been worried sick. This kind of irresponsible behavior leaves me no recourse. You're all grounded for a week.
For those requesting spankings, i don't subscribe to corporeal punishment. & for that matter, i no longer subscribe to spank magazine either
,@miss_whoops, caning doesn't count as "corporeal punishment." Caning is motivation. without it my employees would be hopelessly inefficient
not you, Kim. You're an octopus. Octopuses need no external motivators. And PS everyone, i was testing you. it's "corporal" not "corporeal"
those of you who smugly corrected my spelling from octopuses to octopi. You're grounded an additional week. http://tinyurl.com/2fvjosj
Has anyone who sent in their plastic-lined envelope not yet received their rhino bit? I'm experimenting with something weird... Being fair.
To be clear, this fairness thing it's a one-time experiment and I already don't like it. In fact I'd call it a failed experiment.
In response to your many inquiries: Yes, it is too late to send in your envelope. U missed the arbitrary & unannounced cut-off date.
Mubarak resigned! The military asked me to serve as interim president, but I'd miss the end of snowboarding season, so I had to decline.
Lamentamos informá-los que Jared, Jensen e Misha não estarão presentes na convenção Clipremierevents em Lisboa no mês de Abril.
Top NSA brass asked me to post that last coded message for a field operative. I can't be certain, but I think it was a recipe for macaroons.
No entanto, eu vou estar aqui: http://www.klzevents.com/RisingConBrazil/shop onde eu vou fazer de tudo para ser preso.
Top NSA brass asked me to post that last coded message for a field operative. I can't be certain, but I think it was a recipe for macaroons.
I just had a great bbbj, cim and Greek with @sarahpalinusa. I take back everything nasty I've said about her. She's super sweet.
Let's hope that this whole malicious dictator thing is going out of style (myself exempted).
Gadgafi said Bin Ladin put pills in ordinary Libyans' nescafe, which incited them to revolt. Anyone know where I can buy those pills online?
RT @Chalaine35: try www.crazyassdictatorsupply.com :: good answer. I think that company goes under the name "wallmart" in the US.
It's a point of pride with me that I don't know how "wallmartt" is spelled.
for those who don't know what i'm talking about... http://tinyurl.com/6a6ekby
Ola mishamigos! J2 got me good. Really starting to feel like one of the guys.
IMHO j&j had a late one last night. Rotflmfao!
My phone was stolen and apparently cast into a parallel universe devoid of magic. I've retrieved it. I promise it won't happen again.
Newbies: "mishamigos" was an offensive parody. My followers use the more empowering (& ethnically neutral) titles of "minions" or "flunkies"
Those who participated in the Rhino Hunt, i have determined a winning team (Hint: it was not Team 6). I will be notifying you in a few days.
A lesson: If you keep your word & make good on your debts... http://twitpic.com/455daj .. Karma will reward you... http://twitpic.com/45sxnl
You all know i don't like to seriously endorse anyone or anything, but this guy i met is an amazing musician... http://twitpic.com/46kqbc
RT "@charliesheen: Wrote it in my sleep! #tigerblood not in the index! http://yfrog.com/h317196599j" No u didn't, douche bag, my wife did.
RT @Zeoski: @mishacollins you only wish your wife did.... No, actually, my wife did write it. Google it.
親愛なる日本の友人、私はそうあなたの国に何が起こったかについては申し訳なく思っている。私はあなたに私の愛を送信しています。私は天使たちがあなたを見ていると思います。
I'm going to Haiti this summer. Anyone want to come with me? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GL_1plEmvE&feature=youtu.be
.@mattcohen4real is coming to Haiti too. He's the brains of the operation, I'm the brawn. No. That's not right. He's the brains & the brawn.
What happened in Japan is killing me. So sad. Its like the apocalypse happened, but only in one country.