Misha is a twit

[hils]

I'm handing over mishas_minions to someone else but I don't want to lose the archive of all his old tweets that I compiled. So I'm putting them here.


i am doing a tutorial on twitter

I am trying to figure out what the f*** twitter is for.

okay. So, now i've officially signed up for a high-tech time-wasting device. Let the tweeting begin....... Now what?

Hi everyone. This whole interweb thing is really something. 12 hrs and already 412 followers. Doesn't that word have a negative connotation?

Anyway, i'll think of you as friends not followers. But then again, maybe minions is a better term... I'll percolate.

Okay. I was thinking, "this is stupid" i just say things and no one responds? Then i clicked this clicky thing on the side and....

i see hundreds of posts and now i think, "this is stupid," how the fuck do i respond to 400 posts? It takes me 3 days to email my mother.

i like that term: twelebrity. Let the ignoring begin. And, yes i did have twitter email alerts set and it crashed my account. I'm learning.

I've been told if you follow LilMissX on twitter, good things will come to you in the afterlife. (I should also tell you she gave me $1)

Some minions have questioned my authenticity. This no-shirt photo http://s577.photobucket.com/albums/ss211/misha4515/ should be proof enough

And hello all from australia, brazil, china, UK, venezuela, New Jersey and elsewhere.

Jim Beaver is doing a book signing in Calabasas on Sunday. I haven't read it, but i've ordered it and i can't wait. He is a great human.

@jumblejim hey jim, misha here. I just joined twitter and now you have another follower. I'm going to try to make it to your signing sunday

No. I refuse to say hello to Canada, Germany or Cleveland. I'm sorry folks, but i'm not going to mention you.

yes, that is me canoeing down the LA river. I was actually the first person to solo kayak down the LA river. This photo is from my 2nd trip

IL is in canada so i'm not mentioning it. & New Zealand and Italy are in Australia, which i already mentioned. Pay attention people.

Hungary, France, Iceland, this is starting to feel like geography class. I quit. I'm going to buy a car. Have fun watching tonight. Bye.

Seriously, no more place names! in fact, no more proper names, period. Actually, nouns are out too. (That means you Brazil and Sweden).

I'm trying to find a vehicle that gets good fuel economy. So far, this is the best model i've found for MPG http://twitpic.com/584yu

But i'm also looking at this commuter vehicle: http://twitpic.com/585ay

By popular vote, i'm going for the pony. Alright, gotta go. I'm putting in an offer on a submarine and a chain of islands in the s. pacific

From the enthusiasm 4 the pony, I'd guess you were a bunch of ranch hands. Great! Ive got hillbilly minions. I knew they're be a catch.

I would like to formally apologize for the typos (past and future)... I'm sorrie.

But I'm gonna have to take a hard line from here on out. Anyone (Bsides me) using badly grammar, abr. or mispelin' is gonna be perm. removed

Ok, guys. Gotta run. Obama has asked me to advise the Joint Chiefs on the mid east in a closed-door meeting tonght. I've gotta prep.

We had an earthquake this morning. Fortunately, i live in a windowless underground bunker, so i am fine.

However, my periscope isn't working so i can't tell whether the rest of los angeles is still standing or not.

I'm glad you all think it's so funny. I'm 120' underground with nothing but my laptop and stacks of gold bullion waiting out aftershocks

Right, yes. I'm down here with my computer and my gold and my pony. And i'm tweeting and cleaning my guns.

The laptop is powered by the pony on a treadmill. I planned it all out very carefully.

Minions, the pony gave out. I consumed the haunches while still warm. very little power left on my laptop. Very little oxygen. I'm so weak.

I'm back out. i was turning the doorknob the wrong way. Now i see... i left the lens cap on the periscope. Man, i'm covered in pony blood.

Minions (Mignions in France), 1 of you must have ratted me out on the Pony sushi--2500 PETA protesters are holding vigil in my front yard.

NON IRONIC BULLETIN: i helped produce a documentary, "Loot" that airs tonight on HBO2 at 8 ET, 11 PT . Watch it.

here's a link for the schedule and synopsis: http://www.hbo.com/docs/programs/loot/index.html

also, Michelle Obama wants me to come over to "help assemble the kid's new trampoline." But she's just gonna put her hands all over me again

Barack always gets drunk and pretends he doesn't notice. It makes me uncomfortable. It's just embarrassing.

I'm beat. up till 5 AM on trampoline w/michelle who wanted to "practice a routine" with me. She was stoned and topless, but had good moves

I see some of these "mishap-preciation#" posts. I would like to correct a few historical inaccuracies...

1) i did not invent the internet. what i invented was a game calld "gash" where you bounce large glass marbles off your baby brother's skull

2) i did not "build rome in a day". This is a common retelling. I merely hid in a roman sewer with my great dane, Rupert, for a day.

No. I did not "eat Rupert." Get your mind out the gutters. He was far too lean. I made his hide into a raft & escaped thru the aqueducts.

Gotta run guys. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is coming over for lunch and my place is a mess... Later.

i'm a jackass. Mahmoud brings an amazing heirloom salad and i'm teaching him knit/pearl and then i ask how the uranium enrichment was going

"Barack told you to ask, didn't he" says Mahmoud and i answered, "yeah." He looked so hurt. As his motorcade left, i felt i'd lost a friend

I have to come up with a production company name. Dog and Pony Productions is taken. Anyone got any good ideas?

Minions: i told you--i'm aloud to use bad grammar and misspell anything i want. Purl, pearl--tomater, tamater. Only you have to spell g00d

Keep the biz names coming. I've got 24 hours to funnel a very large amount of cash out of a cayman islands account into a shell corp.

Flunkies (what you call minions on the weekend), I would like to address a few of the most incendiary posts mentioning me:

1. hereismyalias questioned whether i'm the real mishacollins. Well, i don't question whether you are the real hereismyalias do I? Well R U?

2. complaints of 48hrs of no twits. Well, apparently Michelle O didn't like the tweet about her tramping. just getting out of guantanamo now

3. Stupid contest: 1 of u submitted me http://bit.ly/h5X33 http://bit.ly/ukC8j. I don't need to win 2 feel gd about myself, but it'd help.

well, i'm not technically "out" of guantanamo, i'm on a waterboarding break & picking up wifi on top of the 1st perimeter razor wire fence

Ooohhhh!! I think you guys just crashed their crappy website: http://bit.ly/h5X33 that's 1000 times better than winning! Keep it up!

Shit. The guards just started tazering me again. Ow! My thighs are getting shredded on the razor wire. STOP! Gotta go...

Thanks 4 crashing that site guys. Good cyber-terrorism. Speaking of which, met a woman who's also from boston here @ gitmo! Small world huh?

She's been here 4 years 'cause she joked to Newark airport security that she had a bomb in her tampon. (A mistake i'd never make.)

We're going to try and escape tomorrow when the interrogators go for their weekly shuffleboard tournament at Raul Castro's house.

Out of Gitmo. not going to go into details, but long story short, it involved 250 gal. gasoline, a catapult, a bandaid & a pr of raybans

u guys asked if i'll be twitting in the UK. Don't know. After Cuba, i'm a bit fed up w/trying to get online in the 3rd world, but we'll see.

Just to preempt your twitterous outcry--Yes i did CALL THE UK THE 3RD WORLD! And, yes, i did it again. Let the transatlantic drama begin...

I think this mcfly character is a brit. If so, losing to him'd be like losing the revolutionary war-It's not just me now it's about liberty

on way to Birmingham. I'm worried because I didn't get all the shots I need to travel to an undeveloped country. hope I don't get cholera

I Just heard that Birmingham has the highest concentration of swine flu in Europe. (& here I thought is was just another city).

I'm awed by the British people. In the face of immense adversity, (like steak flavored potato chips & silent final "r"s) they don't complain

Wanna know what's weird?

Me too. I wanna know what's weird too. If you find out, please let me know. It's been driving me crazy.

OMG! i'm here in the UK, & I stepped into an adult video store to use the toilet and guess who i saw skulking the Gay Fetish section????

http://twitpic.com/6a28u -- we made eye contact, i winked & then she turned beet red & dashed out pretending not to recognize me..

Minions (& mignions) I have been taken hostage by the queen. Apparently reporting our chance encounter at the erotica store was treasonous

According to "her majesty" (she's insisting I call her that now) there are only 2 scenarios in which she's going to let me out of here:

1) I publicly retract my account of having seen her thumbing gay thru fetish videos, to which I've already told her, "over my dead body." or

2)since the universe trumps England, "her majesty" has agreed release me if I'm crowned Mr. Twit Universe. http://tinyurl.com/qwey8r

Michelle O's been phoning buckingham palace on my behalf, but H. M. Isn't taking the calls. Only minions can save me now. <40 hrs to vote.

Minions, of course I know it's not treason unless ur a subject of the crown. I hold 19 passports 1 4 UK. it's not ur place to correct me.

Gitmo was a cakewalk compared to this. Her Majesty is ruthless. Today she forced me to have tea with NO BISCUIT!

Some have asked for evidence I'm still alive. I am, but just barely: http://twitpic.com/6q66s she says she's gonna make example of me.

The torture's getting more intolerable-all evening I was forced look over Her Majesty's shoulder as she flipped through family photo albums.

It's my guard's birthday so everyone's hitting the Pimms, hard. Her Majesty just tried to do a backspin on the marble floor & bent her crown

I just won a maserati from Charles (who's plastered) by convincing him that three-of-a-kind beats a full house.

minion emerald_angel9 asked me to check H.M.'s purse: 2 fist-sized diamonds, 1 roll scotch tape, anti-fungal gel, & a dried partridge head.

Minions, friends and ancestors: I've not twitted because Her Majesty thought i might use a UK-US power converter to kill myself in my cell.

Since i was not crowned Mr. Twit Universe (H.M. obviously used her influence to perpetrate voting fraud), i now have a choice:

Either i retract my statement (about seeing H.M. in the gay fetish section) or i die in a horrific public execution.

To those faithful minions who have volunteered to stage a palace coup, i say: Stand down. I have been relocated.

to be executed @ Stonehenge in 48 hrs if i don't recant. I will take my honor to my grave! http://twitpic.com/7153c http://twitpic.com/7155n

sorry 4 confusion: When i said "friends" i was referring to Mahmoud AhmadiNejad, Michelle Obama & @Alyssa_Milano. Rest of u r still Minions

When i said "ancestors" i was referring to those of you who are deceased relatives, but who continue to follow me on twitter.

& yes, those british soldiers look happy because they've been enjoying this every step of the way-I'm their one-man abu-ghraib photos & all.

Gotta go. They pulled out all my fingernails and typing is just killing me.

I'm so pissed off! I requested my last meal-cottage cheee with a blueberry-& was told oyster pudding & spotted dick was already preordered.

Minions, twits, fellow Americans: I have taken bold & drastic measures... since just after lunch today, I've been on a hunger strike.

I've grown thin & i am almost too weak to write. But as H.M. lead me to the Alter Stone on a leash 1hr ago, I was bolstered by your vigil.

Evidently news of my execution has spread. As I type this, I see two elderly asian women standing @ the far edge of the field w/candles.

Also, my mother texted me the sweetest goodbye message. (I could tell she really meant it.) These signs of support mean the world to me.

I know now that my passing will not go unnoticed--at least by my mother and those two ladies over there. I will twit my last in 53 minutes.

For those who've asked, I'm 2 b simultaneously; hung, electrocuted, shot, starved, burnt, & drowned. Posthumously I'll be drawn & quartered

The plan worked! I held my breath while minions from Lima, Peru dowsed Stonehenge in nerve gas. I'm starving! http://twitpic.com/76hzb

I'm only sorry for those two old ladies. They suffered horribly in their final minutes.

I have to say, though, the minions we're a little late & I had to hold my breath an extra 9 minutes. I think I damaged my frontal lobe.

Having trouble identifying common objects I just shot our get-away car 'cause I thought it was an overweight storm trooper-I'm on foot now.

Minis, a few housekeeping items: 1) no, I am not "high." 2) what is #Followfriday? 3) it's my birthday today!

Also, several have "corrected" my spelling and grammar recently. This undermines my reputation of infallibiliy & hurts minion morale. STOP

The peruvians just informed me I was reading the sundial in the field we're camping in upside down. my birthday's not for another few months

British Minions Resistance hasn't been able 2 find me because they don't have Syrian visas.

AhmadiNejad asked me to come to Tehran to help stamp out the secular humanist uprising, but my liberators didn't bring money for airfare.

And i didn't have the heart to tell my old friend, Ahmadinejad, that he was an evil, fascist (in the bad sense of the word) over the phone.

We're in traditional Peruvian garb crawling 2 Iran 2 tell the "president": Friends don't let friends shoot students http://twitpic.com/7lvws

And, i know he's stated publicly, "پیغمبرم. پس منتظر پاسخ ملت," but, honestly, i don't think he really means it.

Many of you have asked what the arabic means. Frankly, i'm disappointed. I'd expected my minions to know all of the worlds major languages.

We'll never take over the world if you're illiterate. Minion homework: Learn to read and write in 5 new languages by the end of the month.

I've learned 39 languages, + the 6 we spoke @ home growing up. (I'm not counting Xhosa, because i've been told my pronunciation is terrible)

Ancestors, minions and trainees: Change your twitter time zone and location to "Tehran." It'll make it look like we care about others.

Word is, if we all do it, authorities will have a hard time blocking demonstrators' twits. Probably won't work, but it'll pass the time.

Just woke up & I'm still groggy. I see it's 11:27PM and the calendar says it's the 24th of June. Looks like I've been sleeping for 5 days.

Guess hiding from the queen will tucker a fellow out... And crawling across the desert... and teaching conversational Latin... And twitting.

What's this talk about "welcome back" & "how've you been?" The proper salutation 4 someone getting out of bed is, "good morning, u parasite"

Someone pointed out that when it's for 5 days it may cross over from "asleep" 2 "a coma" in which case, "welcome back" might be appropriate.

Well, that's enough for now. I need to go take a nap.

I meant "neverland." That's what's great about twitting. You can go back and fix it. It's so unlike high school in that respect.

Thinking of michael jackson's legacy... great music, moon walk, neverland, & the sea of left-handed gloves he left behind. He'll b missed.

three times a charm?

Hi.

No. I'm just teasing. I'm not really going to twit right now.

I've seen "Up!" 3 times. If it wasn't so damn good, i'd be furious. One of the characters is 100% based on me, my life, even my personality.

Not Charles Muntz, Alpha, the talking doberman with the broken transponder. When you see it, you'll know what i mean.

GLOSSARY (for those who haven't been paying attention) Minion: shorthand for "follower of @mishacollins." Flunky : A Minion on the weekend

I used an abacus to determine this Minion Factoid: There are approximately 1 Minions per 10,000 square kilometers of the earth's land mass.

So, each of you should make a flag and stake out your 10,000 kilometers. As payment, i request only 1/2 of the wheat & livestock you harvest

What do you mean, "what do you get in return?" 10,000 square kilometers isn't enough? & yes, i will take payment in Flax & barley too.

Perhaps everyone should not make their own flag. That's a bit motley. Let's design one that will strike fear in the hearts of our neighbors.

Also, yes, i do want to retain right of first night--i think you know of what i speak. Also, we will develop a system of capricious justice.

Okay, claim has been laid to San Francisco & the surrounding 10,000k. The rest of you now living in the Bay Area will be forcibly relocated.

This first entry for the flag design competition: http://i32.tinypic.com/2l8k does not meet my "strike fear" requirement.

Will someone organize this flag design competition? This whole world-domination thing is turning into a real logistical headache.

Any of you computer nerds? What we really need is an internety mappy thingy where everyone can choose their 10,000k and papal wheat.

A minion created this map for parceling out property: http://www.mapup.de/k93aplqw/ unfortunately the page is not in english it's gibberish.

This flag: http://twitpic.com/9xk52 is heading in the right direction, but @idoanknow seems to be calling me a "dick butt" so i'll kill her.

ok minions click the additions tab, and add marker put in your info and stake your claim! http://www.zeemaps.com/map?group=127283#

I managed to stake out Los Angeles. My entry includes a photo of myself in a santa-kilt.

http://www.zeemaps.com/map?group=127283# i would encourage everyone to enter their location along with a blackmail-worthy photo.

Now, i have to go set up a provisional government, so i'm signing off for now.

excellent! Sounds like we managed to crash another website.

this is a nice flag too: http://twitpic.com/9xp3v, but i'm not just about taxation, I'm more broadly interested in exploitative governance.

And now I really must leave. Apparently there's already a spate of public executions and boarder skirmishes to tend to.

So far, this is my favorite flag: http://twitpic.com/9xq5 i don't think i have to explain why. And, now that's really it. Goodbye,

British Minion Resistance, thanks 4 developing a central intelligence sight: http://www.mishasminions.we... I just claimed Moron, Mongolia.

I have many goats here on the steppe. Sometimes, in the summer, yoghurt is more plentiful than water. I bathe thus: http://twitpic.com/aeuv4

Correction for Central Intelligence address: http://mishasminions.webs.com/ Please redirect all hate mail there.

CODE ORANGE ALERT: Since our army is spread around the world (1 minion/10,000 kilometers), we have unique tactical concerns to address.

While we've got the Strategic Advantage of having lots of space to hide from our enemies and lots of land on which to grow wheat and flax...

Strategic Difficulty: Executing conventional military action—while some minions may be mobilized, others are still sleeping or at school.

To conquer the world, we must be unified. We will start today by synchronizing our watches & our circadian rhythms.

Minion Readiness Directive #2e: From this point forward, we will arise at exactly the same time no matter where we are in the world.

MRD #2e part-B: Beginning tomorrow, we will all wake up @ 6AM Vancouver time. In Sydney, Australia, for example, that’ll be 11pm local time.

We're stronger than normal people-1.3 hours sleep is sufficient 4 us. If u find me lying in bed any longer than that, i'm just strategizing.

Yes, @scarletshimmer it does mean no more school or "work" for us. We are at war! The battlefield will be our school! Latrines our work!

I'm going back to bed. I need to plot our next move.

Several of you have raised objections that we don't have clear objectives, and we don't know who our enemies are or have a reason for war.

These are trivial details--not worth getting hung up on.

Yes. We need a name for our war. Something catchy like "Desert Storm" or "D-Day" or "The fourth Indo-Pakistani Kargil War."

Oops. I thought the global domination plan would be a cake walk, but i had misplaced the decimal point. We're outnumbered 400,000 to 1.

So we need a name 4 our war that both boosts recruitment & maintains the element of surprise. I propose: The Mint-Chocolate Experience.

Rise and conquer!

Oh. My mistake. No work on the weekends.

mini's, i would apologize for the long absence, but apologies are beneath me.

As you know, Barack and i have been cooking up a scheme to revamp the heath care system.

Barack asked me to collect firsthand data, so i infiltrated an ER by cleverly hurling myself onto the road a 55mph http://twitpic.com/c3n96

My recon showed America's CT scans are excellent, but i told the president he needed to fix the sandwiches ASAP. http://twitpic.com/c3ocd

Since my bicycle was destroyed in my research "accident," a twit follower has generously donated an awesome new 1: http://twitpic.com/cnkb2

I'm heartened that the BMR-British Minion Resistance-has been infiltrating even in my absence. http://bit.ly/wfTMG

I commend BMR's commitment to infiltration. When most are asking, "what are we fighting for?" the littlemckays out there forge blindly on.

Some have aired titular concerns. If you're "minions," which you are, what does that make me? I think, "Master" is too overtly hierarchical.

technically, any of these work: Tzar, My Liege, Commandant, Swami, Enlightened One, The Oppressor, The Great Confuser, & The Babysitter.

I just wish it had more of a back & forth. I wish we could ask Twitter what it was doing. I wish I felt like Twitter was really listening.

It has come to my attention that most existing minions are actually small children, convicts or are severely emotionally handicapped.

We must increase our numbers. Please circulate this propaganda film: http://bit.ly/sOGI3

Yes a few of my posts are missing. Bill Clinton negotiated between me & Kim Jong Illinois. He's got his nephews back & I've got a nuke now.

A minion just wrote, "glad to hear you'll be at collectormania," which begs the question: What is collectormania and why will I be there?

I was told the London trip was 4 an official apology from Her Majesty-this: http://bit.ly/NaA5q is bait & switch-someone's getting fired!

Hmmm.... Who will i let go? I think I'll fire my pedicurist--or maybe my ice-dancing instructor, but mark my words, heads will roll.

1 of u asked for advice on essay crafting. As i think writing goodly is important, i've attached instructions. http://twitdoc.com/c/2y68yq

I wanted in on Obama's "cash for clunkers" program but the dealer refused my car-even though it runs great- just because of cosmetic issues.

My attorney (depicted here) and i, have vowed to fight this injustice with everything we've got. http://twitpic.com/e94w6

It has come to my attention that we're "trendy twits." Damn it! This was a covert op, people! Now we've lost the element of surprise.

As 4 the birthday, my sundial is miscalibrated, I thought today was Halloween. Thanks 4 the heads up. My cell-mates are gonna sing to me.

Why does everyone dread prison? I played more shuffleboard in a week than I had in a decade. I asked to stay on, but they needed the bed.

I'm giving a PowerPoint presentation at a Vancouver event tomorrow discussing my treatise, "Anomic Vectors in the Postmodern Workforce."

It should be interesting. If attending, please bring a pen, a piece of black construction paper, & an egg for the mind-control experiment.

Minions were supposed to send large quantities of wheat after the harvest but all I got were 31 eggs & 2 toy ponies http://twitpic.com/h1die

Tiny tithings have made it tough to twit as I’ve been forced 2 take a 2nd job delivering mulberries in the forest. http://twitpic.com/h1f63

Which brings me to Proclamation #6b: Minions are heretofore forbidden to guilt trip me. (Mom, you, of course, are exempt from this edict.)

educate me. What is this "twitter ruckus" of which you speak. BTW, i like this hash tag, "#WHERETHEHELLISMISHA" what are you talking about?

What?!! We're at war with Puff Daddy now? That's fantastic. All we've needed all along is a common enemy to unite us!

Mr. Twitter should be ashamed of himself for caving to God (and his crony P. Diddy).

I'm throwin' down the gauntlet: P. Diddy, if you're out there & you're man enough, i challenge u to an cupcake eating contest-on horseback!

Minions: I'm not sure how these things work, but if we get #PDIDDYISSCAREDOFHISTV to be a twit trend, that'd be our first tactical victory.

Okay. I'm off to the equestrian center for riding lessons. Someone please contact Mr. Diddy's dealer so we can set up the showdown.

Just read a few twit "mentions" here. One of you accused me of being a "lurker"... I prefer the terms "voyeur" or "silent but deadly."

I also read the new Twitter Terms of Service-apparently I'm no longer allowed 2 "sell followers." What's the going rate 4 a follower anyway?

Well, according to your counter-twits, the street value of a minion varies widely, however, the mean appears to be quite affordable.

THIS IS A VICTORY! Just 1 hour after deployment, #pdiddyisscaredofhistv was blocked. Clearly we've struck fear into the heart of Mr Twitter

Freedom Fighters, Censorship is a tool employed by cowering autocrats.They're weak, they're faltering, they're probably confused.

It seems that every time we mobilize on the interweb, something breaks. You're like 22 thousand bulls in a china shop.

#Twitterisafraidofmishasminions is blocked now too??!! What is this? The Stalingrad of the Internet?

The truth behind twitter's unethical censorship of minions--the real reason Mr. Twitter panders to P. Diddy: http://www.twitpic.com/i50sd

A bunch of U R pleading 4 help getting a Trendy Twit going, but it's National-Punctuation...Day & we: can't; "compete" w/the twitter frenzy!

Yes, i am saying that grammarians are more formidable foes than P. Diddy (or Mr. Twitter), but none hold a candle 2 K.M. #RememberKimManners

A lot of U R confusing me w/some actor named "Misha Collins." I'm the traveling revivalist minister, Misha Collins. http://twitpic.com/izihz

@sjb90 writes, "@mishacollins can you tell akkeb to do whatever i say in bed? she refuses to do anything unless you tell her!"

@sjb90, i would love to help you, but i just can't afford to get tangled up in another paternity suit. Try giving Akkeb wine or flowers.

Great. @sjb90 no longer exists. See what happens when you try to help people? Now i'm responsible for a twitter suicide. Very depressing.

Where have you guys been?! I've been worried sick. I've been posting your photos all over town. I even called your mothers &/or caretakers.

Yeah, @SatansPuppet, most of your moms hung up on me. Maybe it was my heavy breathing... or my irate cursing. Either way, they were rude.

1 of u posted "we're now 1/4 of a million minions strong." Strictly speaking, it's 1/10th of 1/4 of a mil-which doesn't have the same ring.

Either way, we're a formidable force. We need to start thinking about how to construct a cumbersome bureaucracy to accentuate our numbers.

I still don't know how 2 use twitter-@esskay writes: I work in local govt, if you want red tape created for no reason I have loads of ideas!

That's the spirit @esskay! If we're going to have bureaucracy, we'll need pencils & bureaucrats! I'll start working on the job application.

See u later. I've got to get cracking on the PEIMS (Preliminary Environmental Impact of Minions Study) before this can go to committee.

I screwed up. Obama asked me for help persuading the Olympic committee to pick Chicago, but I accidentally called Nobel headquarters.

Thanks 2 my carelessness, the windy city gets nada and Obama's pissed @ me because he "has to fly all the way 2 Oslo 4 some silly prize."

Shit! have you seen the news? This faking-a-boy-in-a-box-teathered-to-a-balloon trick is a major setback for me!

In a ploy 2 get famous, I was going 2 pretend to put a 6 year-old in a bucket tied 2 a subway car-but now it would look like plagiarism.

You're right, bigbaz2a. Changing it to a 6 year old girl would get us out of the plagiarism woods-that'd fall into the "fair use" category.

I've been worried that if something should happen to any of you--heaven forbid--that I would be left without means to care for myself.

Fortunately, a nice man at Farmers Bank found a solution--I've purchased life insurance for each of you, with myself as sole beneficiary.

A faithless minion postulated that i'd abandoned you. Never! I will always be with you! I'm always watching you. Even when you are sleeping.

you are all referencing santa claus. In my country, Santa "knows when you are sleeping," he doesn't "watch you while you sleep."

been working on a halloween costume with friends who run a particle accelerator. I want to be a molecule of caffeine, but i'm still too big.

umm-that's really flaunting my manhood. I said i was: 2 big... to fit into a single molecule. I could still be smaller than a coffee ground.

Anyway, I've given up on the disguise. If we're going 2 rule the world, step 1 is: Coordinate Halloween Costumes. What're we wearing?

best answers: "Taco Suits" and "The Blood of My Enemies." Several of u mentioned "Castiel" or something, i don't know what that is.

Looks like i've got a giant tortilla to make for my Bloody Taco Suit. Good night. And Good Luck.

I'm launching an apparel line called: Mishap w/designer Galiezzo Anrnea-4 me it's just business but he's thrilled. http://twitpic.com/ofb75

You think Galiezzo is a kid? I thought he was just a short guy with great ideas. That would explain a lot though, the tantrums, the mom.

By the way, the bloody taco suit was a terrible halloween idea. Everyone thought i was dressed as a used sanitary napkin.

Every time i start making jokes, someone points out that something terrible has happened in the world. Like the shooting at fort hood.

I hadn't been watching news. From now on i promise to adopt a somber tone. It's safer and more in keeping with the temperament of our times.

Stop your protests-there'll be no more humor. This is the dawn of a new era. I'm going to go sacrifice a goat to mark the occasion. Goodbye

no, @moondancer1626, the goat is not unsuspecting. I told him this might happen weeks ago. He's terminally ill anyway-he's said his goodbyes

Just got off the phone with Barack-O. He's got his knickers in a knot over the 10% unemployment thing. He can get so wound up sometimes.

I told him 2 relax, go do some weeding in the Rose Garden & that i'd take care of it. Really i'm steering him 2 send stimulus $ 2 u minions.

Foreign minions won't be discriminated against-When we acquire US government $, we'll redistribute fairly according to who i like best.

Anyone know how 2 apply for stimulus money? I do want 2 do something to help the economy. If one of u finds an application-i'll fill it out.

yeah, @browncoat_gater, it seems daunting, but it looks like i'm going to have to go after stimulus money the hard way: http://bit.ly/3XbSZ9

The House of Representatives' healthcare bill is disappointing. It doesn't have the "culling" provision Gingrich and I have been working on.

The insurance industry supported the provision too. It called for thousands of pumas, tigers and lions to be released in US cities & towns.

That's the issue no one's talking about-just reintroduce carnivorous predators, & natural selection would solve our healthcare problems.

I'm going to a conference in Chicago on how to build sustainable crime syndicates. My lecture "Extorting in the Dot-com Era" is on Saturday.

If u plan 2 attend-please know: I have compromising photos of u-which I'll post online unless u bring a family heirloom wrapped in newsprint

Yes, 4 those of u who are wondering, cats & children do count as family heirlooms-hair clippings in ziplock bags, on the other hand, do not.

The conference took a lot out of me, but i'm finally back on my feet. On my word, I am swearing off hotel prostitutes for good this time.

It looks like a lot of you are on a mission to #FINDTHECOLT. I hope you do. I hate to think of a baby horse lost and dodging traffic.

no, @thisfishfloats, of course i'm not swearing off all prostitutes, just hotel ones--the "incidentals" are maxing out my visa.

Gotta run. Sarah Palin just barged in. She's doing a fashion show for me and "DESPERATELY NEEDS" my advice on picking a new pair of shorts.

Heading back to the UK next week. For those who haven't heard of it, the UK is a small, third world island-monarchy just east of ireland.

Did u know that the UK played a central role in the 17th Century silk trade? Amazing that this forgotten island has such a rich history!

At the behest of the World Health Organization i'll be educating the british on the importance of latrines & the dangers of untreated water.

EnCODed mINIon MEssAGe: The humanitarian mission is a ruse! The British already have latrines. Now we'll catch Her Majesty w/her pants down.

On the contrary, friends, i was pretty surprised myself, but Her Majesty actually looks 30 years younger and 20 pounds lighter sans pants.

Several of u minions r pestering me for photos. I'm plotting to take down a long-standing monarchy here and you want pictures?!

Fine-only since moral is important 4 paramilitary organizations like ours-This pic proves i wasn't always so gentle http://twitpic.com/qz6sa

spelling "morale" wrong is actually very good for morale. It makes everyone feel smarter & implies that morality is important (it's not).

For those of u planning to come help me plot our next move in London, i'll need some way to distinguish actual minions from lowly impostors.

either wear a broach (or any distinctly British item), or write: "Bangers and Mash" anywhere on your person, or tell an inside joke.

It's 5AM. I'm trying to stay awake all night so that when i get to London i'm not tired...wait a minute, this plan may have holes in it.

not sleeping=definitely the remedy for trans atlantic travel. I stayed awake for 2 days & now i'm way too tired 2 be bothered by the jet lag

The queen just invited me to come alone 4 tea at a place called The Tower of London. Sounds like an overture-hopefully she's surrendering.

If she does surrender, we'll immediately begin work on a violent transition from parlimentary democracy/monarchy to capricious dictatorship.

Many minis r demanding shirtless pics. What am I a chippendale dancer? OK, U asked 4 it... (Warning: NOT FOR KIDS) http://twitpic.com/rw349

"Loot," a doc i helped produce, screens in NY @ the IFC Dec 4-10. if u see it-report back & be rewarded http://www.ifccenter.com/films/loot/

If it wasn't below me, i'd apologize 4 the serious twit-couldn't fit the 411 & a joke-If u c the director-Darius-tell him i say he's a hack.

NASA is sending me back to Hubble. They said, "You built it so you fix it." I can't twit when in orbit, so u won't here from me for 2 weeks.

hear, here, tomayto, tomaato.

@valentineskid writes "damn, @mishacollins tweeted. now i have to go get wasted" I like the idea that my typing results in underage drinking

BTW, i found a non-profit who's agreed to extend their status to us so that we can apply for stimulus money. Come up w/ideas while i'm gone.

No. I'm not kidding. We really have non-profit status (if we want it). 4 those asking-stimulus money is US govt. $ to stop the recession.

Use #minionstimulus for your ideas. Goodbye and good luck.

I expected a few lame ideas to trickle in, but... http://minionstimulus.webs.com/ !!! The Minions have restored my faith in totalitarianism.

Right. Let's get to business. First, i do owe rewards to those of you who attended screening in NY and told the director he was a hack.

Send ticket stubs from the screening to: Misha Collins 2768 W. Broadway 74557 Kiselano RPO, Vancouver, BC V6K1K1 Canada along with a SASE.

Don't question the address i gave you, it's a post office box.

By the way, it's time to come clean with you all. I have repeatedly engaged in intimate relations with Tiger Woods & he really cared for me.

No, @darkmerrick, it's not "PO Box" it's Canada and they do things backwards here. And for the last time, stop questioning me!

As for the stimulus... We are our own government, so it stands to reason we should have our own treasury. Who'll volunteer to be treasurer?

Listen up: We're all going to send cash, by mail to the treasurer to fund minion initiatives, minion charities, & to cover embezzlements.

To apply for post of treasurer, send a letter of intent, a resume and a lock of your hair (for species verification) to the address below.

On January 10th, i will appoint a treasurer. Applicants should include their twitter handle for contact purposes.

I Enjoy watching my number of twitter "followers" steadily decline this evening. It makes me feel like i'm really reaching people for once.

The address i gave was wrong. Why didn't someone correct me? It's: Supreme Overlord, P.O. Box 74557, 2768 W. Broadway, Vancouver, BC V6K1K1.

Yes, it will get to me if you address it to "The Enlightened One" or "The Babysitter" as well.

I see rumblings on minionstimulus.webs.com that i'm not serious about good works-I am. It's just hard to start a movement in 140 characters.

Evidence of my humane intentions: I hereby appoint @lizajaneok Director of Charitable Affairs. She's organized & well-armed. Defer to her.

(@lizajaneok) you may have to quit your day job. Good luck.

No, we still need a treasurer. Send applications. We'll also have minion taxation soon, so stop buying presents 4 your kids @ start saving.

substitute & for @ (i'm using code now to throw off our enemies).

I'll be serving time in a Sri Lankan prison over x-mas 4 using an ecological preserve as a bombing range, so u won't hear from me till 2010.

'tis the season: http://minionstimulus.webs.com/apps/forums/topics/show/1783849-action-plan-

I'm back. It wasn't easy. Here's me with a fellow inmate plotting our escape. http://twitpic.com/xlris

My you guys have been busy. Not only does 2010 bring me freedom, but also this... http://tweeter.faxo.com/Best_of_Twitter_2009

And then this... (which makes me think unemployment really has become a serious problem) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hQ7ZysCKhxc

Also, today's the day to appoint a treasurer. My PO box overfilled with applications. Hundreds of totally unqualified people applied.

Several otherwise qualified people (two accountants among them) neglected to include hair samples and were thus disqualified.

Since i wanted to be able to pick our treasurer out of a lineup, & since this one can count to 10, i'm appointing someone i've already met.

Meet the treasurer: @tracy_loo_who. Job duties will come into focus soon, but to starter, i recommend maxing out your personal credit cards.

in a side note, there were many excellent applications (qualified and unqualified), and i'll reply to you all by mail... With hair samples.

Also, thanks to @lizajaneok and everyone contributing to www.minionstimulus.com

Well @astoriainglis that's why I tell everyone to surgically implant tracking devices in their mothers--they'll never sneak up on you again.

I was in Port Au Prince, 15 years ago. That city & much of Haiti has been obliterated by this earthquake. Possibly 100,000 dead.

World governments are rallying to Haiti's aid. Lets demonstrate that our fledgling autocracy is a humanitarian force to be reckoned with...

Just saw we've blown my Haiti fundraising goal of $8 out of the water. We're @ $23,000! More proof it's always best to set your sights low.

I'm very impressed, and I'm proud, and I can honestly say I'd rather have you minions @ my side than some of the finest people i know.

Half of that last twit was a joke... I don't really know any "fine" people. And touche @MishasMinionVon.

And i'd like to extend a special thanks to those of you who contributed by stealing your grandparents' credit cards.

Oh FYI, to fund my numismatic hobby-look it up-i directed the UNICEF site administrator to forward me all of your personal credit card data.

Shoot. There's a german shepherd and couple of guys in suits holding handguns at my front door. I better see what they want. Talk 2 U later.

P.S. What are you talking about @TehOpheliac? "I DON'T MIND AS LONG AS IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE- NO PROSTITUTES!" Prostitutes are a good cause.

I don't have anything urgent to announce. I'm just checking in to make sure everyone is taking their vitamins.

Wow. You guys are slacking. It's been 10 seconds and still no responses!??!

Few. There you are. I was worried all of you had been kidnapped. I was already on with Vancouver police filing a missing persons report.

If anyone from the Drug Enforcement Agency is listening in here-you've got no proof that "vitamins" is code for anything illicit.

I think twitter is blocking me from people's feeds. I'm only getting messages from Brazil. On the bright side, at least i've got Brazil.

i see @ complaints on twitter impostors-it's a problem! I can't get "verified" because some actor named Misha Collins is pretending to be me

Twitter over capacity... Every time twitter glitches, my inner conspiracy theorist comes out and i think-Mr. Twitter is out to get us.

Good work @lifes_a_show, i'm glad to see you are recruiting new minions with coercion. That's the only way to build a lasting organization.

i see @tehopheliac, you're recruiting patients at the hospital where you work, huh? What ever happened to "first do no harm?"

yes in just 10 short minutes-I tiled my background. I've not mentioned it before because i don't like to brag, but i'm a technical genius.

Time flies. I've got to run to my dance class. As i'm sure u know, the minion disco competition is right around the corner, so practice up.

Alas @fernyaxx, $1 from each minion would not be enough for world domination-it would buy a decent amount of pizza, but not global conquest.

Sorry guys. That was kind of coitus interruptus. hugo chavez showed up at my door with a fifth of rum & he wouldn't leave till it was gone.

Some of u are trying to get #teamfreewill to "trend." But i refuse to help. Last time i participated in trending, P. Diddy slashed my tires.

The Brazilians keep asking me to say "hi," but can't do that either. i have an image to uphold.

If i tweet to just 1 country that's unfair, if I tweet to each country, that's gracious, and i can't afford to be seen as either.

Happy Tu Bishvat! (Or for those of us who speak Hebrew "שמח ט״ו בשבט!")‎ On this important holiday-may you all enjoy a wealth of dried figs.

Oops. i was deducing the date from growth spurs on wild fiddlehead ferns, but i didn't account for global warming. Today's not Tu Bishvat.

Now that i've recalibrated: Happy Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week! May it be the best one yet!

Some very disturbing news... it has come to my attention that Ellen DeGeneres (@theellenshow) is also trying to achieve "World Domination."

this is a link to her nefarious undertaking: http://su.pr/7NKb6N

Dear Ms. @theellenshow, please consider this a cease & desist memo. I've already laid claim to the world, you're free to dominate elsewhere.

i think the subtleties of my razor-sharp wit may have been dulled in translation to Portuguese, so: Olá! Eu amo o Brasil!

I just opened my trailer door to find that it was defaced with this: http://twitpic.com/12b8xe i'm not safe even in my own home...

RT @Senkka: @mishacollins please! Misha, reply to my privates :( Andrea, FYI in English, "privates" means "genitals."

I would love to give everyone's privates personal attention, but that would be both exhausting and unsanitary.

i would like to put any rumors to rest. The gavel has fallen. Decisions have been made. This is the final outcome: http://twitpic.com/13w623

For those of you in Europe who always complain about my late-night tweets... you shouldn't be sleeping anyway. We have a world to conquer.

i'm back from the healthcare summit & annoyed. Obama said he needed "sound advice" but he just kept trying to get me to give him back rubs.

I'm no idiot @superkappa i wouldn't refuse the president a back rub-I still need him to recognize our territorial claims. i just felt used.

well @calliopewashere it's a bit off-topic, but i have been in the market for an albino rabbit. Please dry & stuff it & send to my PO box.

While we're in a random, house-keeping vein....

I've met this Charlie. I'm a little jealous that he has 666,666+ views. He's nice, but he's not that witty. http://tinyurl.com/2hdswa

So weird that you just posted about this @eiaiparadox, i just ordered one of these for a mother's day present: http://tinyurl.com/yab75nk

Okay @kazamigorical you're daring me to say something normal?"Something normal." IN YOUR FACE! Now I dare you to eat a quart of gefilte fish

If you're watching the final US/Canada Olympic game I'm playing for the U.S. under the pseudonym "Ryan Malone."

It's been a rough game even for hockey. Number 24 of Canada just sucked our goaly's left eye out of it's socket.

It's getting ugly here on the ice. 1 of the Canadianz pushed me & whispered "U skate like a girl!" I'm fighting back the tears. What a jerk!

& since when were ice pyroettes girlie? I'm doing them for the strategic distraction factor. Canadians just don't understand masculinity.

See that? I even spell ballet terms like a man.

If you are at your computer this Saturday evening reading this tweet, shame on you! (Using electronic devices on the Sabbath is a sin.)

To answer your snarky questions, no I'm not using an electronic device. I opperate "echofon" by beating a brass bell with a lamb's femur.

Never mind. By overwhelmingly popular demand, observance of sabbath is out, and sinning is in.

Just got off a plane. The guy sitting next to me, i think his name was @jumblejim, kept stroking my thigh & saying "you're so firm."

He was also tweeting on the plane which forced the captain to do an emergency landing. It is true though, the osteoporosis has made me firm

The pervert from the plane showed up again. I don't know how he found me, but I'm taking out a restraining order. http://twitpic.com/18rwlo

RT @babypants_ Flu is attacking the world! help @mishacollins

i don't know if i'm the best one to help fight the flu. I woke up with the sniffles myself (& i'm out of kleenex) http://twitpic.com/19w38c

BTW some of u seem surprised that i followed through with my promise to reward those of you who attended LOOT http://tinyurl.com/yktm6tx

I'm a man of my word. That shouldn't be a surprise. What might be a bit unsuspected though, are the digestible tracking devices i baked in.

i've learned something about shipping confections from that photo, though--it looks less like a "reward" & more like three balls of shit.

Someone named @cloudyjenn writes, "My god, you're gross."... Finally! someone who really gets me.

i just bid on this too-good-to-be-true item: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=140393444720#ht_500wt_1182

Because I'm not a card-carrying member of any "terrorist" organizations, I feel I have been woefully under-monitored by the CIA, & NSA.

Thanks to this new "lone wolf" law anyone can be a terrorist in their own right! http://tinyurl.com/yd44zmf

I wonder what it takes to get your phone tapped these days? Probably just need the right keywords: Al Qaeda, Ahmadinejad, Justin Bieber...

Some call u minions "sycophantic sheep" & call me "megalomaniacal" & while they are right, we still raised $30K! http://tinyurl.com/ye634r4.

That failed-you guys raised $30K for Haiti. http://bit.ly/adlmAz

In other news, how could I have come in below a no-name like robert downy jr?! This was clearly rigged... http://preview.tinyurl.com/yb7ro2j

If attending the rally in L.A. with me Saturday, we'll be discrete. Please wear yellow a carnation so i can identify you. I'll do the same.

The LA rally was a mess. There was a booking mix-up & i had to share the venue with fans of some TV show about 2 brothers who hunt elves.

Oh, good @jumblejim. Somehow your pacifier wound up in my bag. We'll trade in Rome. Will I see you at Berlusconi's house for dinner tonight?

By the way, i'm going to be in Rome this weekend and if anyone wants to stop by to say "bonjourno," please dress apropriately, it's Easter.

Some of you aren't keeping up with your high school civics. Berlusconi is italy's prime minister & i spell bonjourno like Brad Pitt says it.

Lighten up guys-Just because Berlusconi crushes free speech & is a misogynist who can be a tiny bit racist, suddenly i can't be his friend?

Just toured the ruins of Ostia Antica-big letdown-it was billed as an "original Roman city" but really it was totally remodeled in 140A.D.

All kidding aside, @davidblue, careful with the whole "minion" thing. Mine are well-trained nijas who won't quit until the bodies are cold.

Still in Italy & the communications are unstable. The wireless network I'm using, Vodafone, keeps dropping my "n"s. It's "ninja" not "nija."

woah, woah, dial it back @shazcollier. Your comment about me is way off base! "not self absorbed?" WTFRU talking about? I'm megalomaniacal.

FYI: meg·a·lo·ma·ni·a n.1. A psychopathological condition characterized by delusional fantasies of wealth, power, or omnipotence.

eh, that definition doesn't quite fit me-I'm not occupied with "delusional fantasies of wealth, power, etc." they're more like action plans

A HISTORIC MOMENT! At 50,000 strong, the world can ignore us no longer! We now outnumber the residents of of Muskogee, Oklahoma!

speaking of oklahoma, this property suits our needs & it's for sale! If anyone's willing to co-sign, let me know: http://tinyurl.com/lmzglp

Some guys i met in prison have made a new reality TV series. The first episode is up today... http://tinyurl.com/y76au6j

What's this #spn100 that you guys are trying to get me help trend? Sounds like an ultramarathon in Spain? Which I would, of course, support!

I don't know, guys. It'll be hard to get this Spanish race-#spn100-to trend. We'd have to unseat a cultural demigod like Justin Bieber.

Hey look! it's on that little blue strip next to the white boxy thing! It says #spn100! The Spaniards are going to be thrilled!

We will always remember this day, April 15, 2010, when for a few glorious moments, we out-twitted some teenager in need of a haircut.

#spn100 is gone now. The truth is: Mr. Twitter and his henchmen sensors don't like us. Isn't twitter supposed to be a model of openness?

Is poking fun of young Bieber's hair a violation of his human rights? Are we inciting some sort of violence? On what grounds r we censored?

And it's censor, not sensor.

Aussies, i didn't get the date wrong. It is the 15th here & the 16th in Australia. The rest of the world decided you needed a head start.

RT suicidesquid @mishacollins Do you think if we all tweeted #JustinBieber they would sensor him, too?

i like the way you think @suicidesquid. problem is, if we did twit Hair Boy's name and Mr. Twitter didn't censor it, we'd look like JB fans.

In truth, i've been unfair. i've never actually listened to a Hair Boy song. Maybe i'd love him & buy a poster & put it on my bedroom door.

i feel bad for poking fun at little Jusin "Hair Boy" Bieber. When i was 16, I was also a long-banged pretty boy: http://twitpic.com/1g3kpe

I've been getting into bike accidents for a while

If you think that last one epitomized machismo, check this out: http://twitpic.com/1g3g8h

Floppy purple petals? Come on, it doesn't get more manly that that.

Dear Doubting Thomases, That is me (after the swelling subsided). It was my favorite shirt which i wore to attract pollinating insects.

My lengthy withdrawal from twitter cursed me with tremors and night terrors and hallucinations. I couldn't take anymore. This feels so good.

In Rome I was showered in these, very valuable gifts. I would explain, but I can't because I don't understand. http://twitpic.com/1j5qax

I know it's rude to be critical of gifts one receives, but I do want to point out that some of you generous people seem to be confused about my gender.
PS if you don't know what i'm talking about, you're probably better off.

Sorry for the twittus interuptus earlier. A school bus filled with kittens crashed into a burning strip club & I had triage, do CPR, etc.

Come on guys. Even I wouldn't attempt CPR on an animal. I did mouth to mouth on the strippers, I used the kittens to put out the fire.

I'm visiting the Australians May 8th & 9th-it is my hope that we can resolve our differences peacefully, but i will use force if necessary.

I'm twitting about australia at 4:45AM Sydney time and the Aussies are not responding?!! Who the hell is still in bed at 4:45 AM?

This indolence will not stand! I'm going to France too. I bet the Frenchies aren't sleeping on the job. I'll twit to them instead.

I'm going to be in Paris May. Please come meet me there so we can plot world domination http://tinyurl.com/25ke5zx.

Mention this advertisement in person at the event and receive one personally tailored compliment absolutely free!

Paris is going to be great. We'll have cheese, wine, & who knows, if things get really heated, we just might go on strike for good measure.

Gotta run. I have an appointment with a specialist who's promised to sharpen my wit. Treatment sounds interesting it's called "trephination"

The folks @ the CW TV network in the USA (i think CW stands for "Clever Wizards") have asked me to twit during the airing of a reality show.

The show is called "Supernatural" & I believe it's about a family on a safari. I'll be twitting from sydney, AU at 9-10pm new york time.

I'm twitting from the Clever Wizards website. Does this work?

It's Max Headroom! I didn't know he was a doctor! Wow. That guys does everything.

Why is he yelling at a man in a wheel chair? That's not very nice.

Who's that guy in the bed? He looks smart. And really muscular. h

My cousin and mother are pointing a computer at a TV in Minneapolis and video skyping me so that i can see it on my computer in Sydney.

It's Max Headroom! Wait a minute, they already played this part.

My mom thinks that girl is a demon. I don't think that's possible. Max Headroom wouldn't be friends with a demon.

Everyone must have eaten some really bad hospital food here.

This is a very unusual reality show. It's almost a like a snuff film.

Okay this has really changed my opinion of Max Headroom.

There's that intelligent looking guy from the hospital again.

it's like a surgery show.

This reality show is amazing! It has everything, murder, mayhem, homo-erotic photos, Max Headroom.

When are we going to get to the Safari part, though?

There's that guy again. Is he going to take more pictures?

The guy in the Cadillac is super cool. definitely looks like someone you'd want to be friends with. http://itwev.com/UL2cl

During that commercial break i had a great conversation with Obama. He's watching this show too. He asked if i could get him on it.

The smart looking guy has a really deep voice. So does the guy in the wheel chair that everyone keeps yelling at.

I used to hunt windiegos with my dad when i was a kid. That's a weird coincidence.

I knew it! The guy in the wheelchair has just been faking it to get attention. He's been able to walk all along!

The guy dressed as Columbo needs to wash his face.

How's it going out there? How the election going in the UK?

I'm not spoiling anything. I'm throwing in Red Herrings. I'm not sure what a red herring is, but i've got a bathtub full of the buggers.

Take another picture! http://itwev.com/UL2cl

The smart looking Columbo guy seems like he's turning into a big gun fanatic. He should join the NRA. Start raising money for.

Wow. This is a shameless product placement scene. I wonder how much Chicago's deep dish pizza industry paid to get this written into the sho

#supernatural is a trending topic. How long before Mr. Twitter and his censorship cronies swoop in and strike us from the record?

i don't know why, but i'm suddenly overwhelmed by a desire to own an ipod and an old navy shirt. I wonder what that's about?

I need some perfume too.

He's doing magic tricks with the rings. Cool. http://itwev.com/UL2cl #supernatural

Great work, CW (Clever Wizards). That was a very impressive reality show. I can't believe all that stuff really happens.

Worldwide minions, I must sign off. There's much grassroots organizing to do here in Australia. Plus i'm neglecting my vegemite sandwich.

If you're in Sydney or Melbourne this weekend, come see me! It'll be a party! we'll throw a koala on the barbie! http://tinyurl.com/yd8mnmd

Happy Friday, ass-butts.

I'm off to europe tomorrow, the UN secretary general wants me to stop the icelandic volcano, Eyjafjallajokul, (pronounced "oy vey gevalt").

I'm also going to recommend the Secretary General change his legal name, because by his own admission, "Ban Ki-moon" just isn't "stately."

I wish i could say my plan for stopping the eruption were genius, but it's not-I'm recommending we pave over it and open a Walmart on top.

you're right @angabella, that would be a gate to hell. Putting a walmart on a volcano is probably the only sure way to summon Satan.

Raise your hand if you're going to meet me here http://tinyurl.com/286pfb5 in Paris. I need to make sure i bring enough chocolate 4 everyone

if meeting me in Paris or Bad Neuenahr, please bring some home-town artifact. As I must understand your cultures in order to conquer them.

Why do so many of you keep inviting me to amsterdam with the promise of drugs and hookers. I'm not into that stuff. I like guns and arson.

i'll give an example of a home-town artifact: I'm from Franklin County, Mass. so i'd bring a hemp-fiber fanny pack filled with carob chips.

Couldn't resist: @Sebastianglints writes, "@mishacollins if you ever reply to my tweets, i'll probably shit my pants." Please send photos.

I'm Frankfurt reading the Financial Times. Markets have tumbled since the german govt. banned "naked short sales" http://twitpic.com/1pcrt8

I never imagined such a tiny word could make so big a difference, but "I'm Frankfurt" and "I'm in Frankfurt" are worlds apart.

A bronze statue should be erected to commemorate these brave souls. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KzANUPkpEk4

in defference to the striking workers here in Paris, I haven't been twitting, but I just heard it's a transportation strike, so I'm ok.

French cuisine is very rich. last night for desert I had a bowl of 24 carat gold. It was delicious, I'm going to make it when I get home.

Also, I didn't spell "defference" wrong, that's the Belgian spelling. I'm trying not to be a cultural imperialist.

If i want to be treated like a celebrity, i've got to start acting like one... from now on I'm going to twit more like @britneyspears.

Just ducked into a Starbucks. Gotta get outta the sun, it's like 80 degrees!!!! Iced double-shot skinny lattes keep me going! Peace out!

xoxoxo

BTw, yes, Starbucks sponsors me, which is how I know that Starbucks coffee is made from a blend of juiced mice and ephedra.

I'm in having a conversation about Twitter & how it serves as a parasocial crutch akin to porn. But I'm arguing porn is more satisfying.

Ola guapas. I'm watching a Fin with a Mohawk twitting about me twitting. And it's giving me a migrain.

Barcelona: A beautiful city of contrasts... At sunrise, while jogging along the Mediterranean, I saw young people vomiting into the surf.

I've decided to join the modern world and open a facebook account: http://tinyurl.com/mishafb Next I plan to buy a horseless carriage.

RT @KelsyJo: surgery tomorrow... Wish me luck!! Good luck! That's exciting! I'm having surgery tomorrow too--having my elbows removed.

It's sunday, and if you are reading this in real time, shame on you. This is the Lord's day. Repent. http://twitpic.com/1yhau4

For all of those of you who just replied. Let's meet up when we get to hell and have a drink!

Where the hell have you been? Your mother & I have been worried sick! If you're gonna be gone 4 a week at least text me so i know you're ok.

-@natsukoi writes, "I think I lost your number, can I get it again" Of course. You need to have it. Don't lose it: 323.937.8920

I'm interviewing candidates for my cloning project in New Jersey this weekend.

To apply, please prove royal lineage, give your hand measurements & include any other relevant documentation. http://tinyurl.com/6mshek

In Barcelona last month, the entire Spanish soccer team attended my inspirational "Using Your Head to Win" seminar-Clearly they listened.

I invited the Germans as well, but their "coach" balked @ my compensation request; sleeping with each player's mom. He's kicking himself now

Here's me torturing a hardened enemy spy. Me and @jumblejim kept him awake for 6 days, but he still wouldn't talk. http://twitpic.com/23mnt1

For those offended By my calling U.S. customs officials "Nazis," I use the term colloquially, they are not-to my knowledge-party members.

This is me lecturing the Spanish football team. I wore a team jersey to inspire them. Not surprisingly, they won. http://twitpic.com/24hz5t

By the way, the inscription on that photo was not my doing-I don't have photoshop on my phone. I think the Spanish goalie added that.

Sorry i've been absent, but i've been following this news story so closely i haven't had time for anything else: http://tinyurl.com/2do9g4u

Now that I look closely at the picture, I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have made out with these girls. http://twitpic.com/28fnty

I went to San Diego today to help modernize the sewers, but the crowds jostling for my autograph made calculating flow volume impossible.

Speaking of sewers-I was one of the participants on this LA river trip. http://tinyurl.com/22mdgtu here's me... http://twitpic.com/28yo78

someone twitted: "Misha Collins ----- bizzard but funny" for those who don't know, "bizzard" is when a lizard crawls out of a snow storm.

I like that my twits keep someone awake. twitter should be hard-wired to trigger fire alarms, police sirens & strobe lights when i post.

No. No. I'm not mocking you guys. I used to sleep too when i was a kid. It's cute.

...and when i say "cute" i mean "depressing and pathetic."

if you got to http://www.facebook.com/officialmisha, facebook sends me shockingly personal information about you.

http://twitpic.com/2ckx43/full

This is the demographic data that facebook provides me of everyone who "likes" me on facebook. So far Manchester, UK seems to be where i have the highest concentration of friends. This is surprising to me, as i've never been to manchester. Perhaps all of my old friends from college have skewed the data by moving there and having lots of children.

Interestingly, judging from this graph, elderly men tend to not like me at all. Have i collected your statistics? If not log on to http://www.facebook.com/officialmisha and "like" me--i'll be ordering everyone boots soon and i need your sizes.