My emotional baggage

[hils]

This post will be long and probably quite tiresome for most of you so I'll cut it for length



Well, some of you will remember that a few days ago I posted about a dream I'd had about my old school crush. It's not the first time I've dreamt about him since leaving school and I'm sure it won't be the last. Anyway, on Saturday evening I saw him while I was in the supermarket getting some wine before I went to padfoot_uk's. Needless to say I was a little shocked, especially since he now lives in Bournemouth which is at the other end of the country.

What really got to me was that as soon as I saw him I felt like I was back at school again. Now, I like to think I'm come a long way since unoversity. I'm a lot more comfortable with who I am as a person but as soon as I saw him I began to worry that he wouldn't like the way I was dressed, the way I'd styled my hair, everything. I should hasten to add that when we were at school he was one of the 'in-crowd' whereas I most definitely was not. I also plucked up the guts to write him a letter telling him how I felt and nothing came of it.

So anyway, there I was looking at wine when I saw him. Can't say for sure whether he even saw me or not. He didn't say anything anyway and I was too flustered to even think about saying hello or anything. By the time I left the supermarket my hands were literally shaking.

But once I got over the shock of it all I got really annoyed with myself for letting him get to me like that and turning me back into the shy schoolgirl I used to be. I mean I'm 23 years old now. I should be past all this. I'd always imagined that if I ever saw him again I'd be so much more confident but it just didn't happen. Of course he was there with his pretty little girlfriend which just made me feel even plainer, uglier and fatter.

Still, thankfully when I got to Sarah's I had a fab time and met loads of new friends as well as seeing my old bud finzilla and I soon forgot it. In fact I'm not even bothered about seeing this guy any more, I'm more bothered about the way it made me feel and how I acted. I really need to sit down and have a good, hard look at myself.

Then to top it all off Mum-Ra dragged me to see Hope Springs today which just made me more fed up. Left the film thinking "I'm fat and ugly with nothing to offer anyone. I'm going to die alone and probably get eaten by my cats"

Mum-Ra of course didn't help by telling me how crap men are and that I'm so much better off without one. Pointed out to her that it's nice to feel loved and she just went on and on about how no relationships last and I'm better off single and free etc etc.

Maybe she's right, but I don't feel that way at the moment

Well, that's my grumble for the day. I should just point out to caersidi, marvo, fallenseraph and theo1 that I'm NOT a manic depressive or anything. Just having an off day. Sorry