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hilsBeen a bit of a funny day today. After work I met up with a girl I used to live with when I was at Uni. I never really liked her that much, she had A LOT of annoying habits and she reduced me to tears on more than one occasion. Nevertheless we met up and she spent most of the time telling me about her wedding plans (she's getting married next month to a guy just like her)
No, I'm not sure how many people know this but when I was at uni I got very heavily involved with my college Christian Union. To this day I'm not really sure why. I'm not a total atheist. I believe in something, I've seen too many things not to believe in some sort of spirituality. But as time progressed I realised there was so much about the Christian faith that didn't feel right to me. The thing which seemed to get me the most was that despite everything I did with my church and CU, deep in my heart I knew I didn't believe what I was saying. There were so many questions going around my head and even when people tried to answer them for me it still didn't feel right.
In the end the big revelation hit me. I'd been living my life the way a 2000 year old book directed, and one which was written by man and selected by men. Not only that but I was spending so much of my time trying not to think certain things and feel certain things because it was 'wrong'. In the end I realised that everything I was doing was because of the promise of going to heaven. But I couldn't stop thinking that what if Christianity is wrong and there is no heaven. I'd have spent the whole of my life trying to do what was expected of me only to find that I'd wasted it all on nothing. The thought scared me so much that I knew then that I just couldn't believe anymore.
Now, all my friends from Uni were in the CU and I lost contact with pretty much all of them when we graduated. Now I'm going to see them all again at this girls wedding and I can't seem to bring myself to tell them about my new outlook. I just know that they'll all start telling me that these doubts are just the devil clouding my mind. That may be true, but what if it's not? I'll be back to the stage of trying to fight what I consider to be my true feelings. Oh bloody hell, maybe I'll just keep quiet at the wedding. After all I'm not likely to see most of them again after that
No, I'm not sure how many people know this but when I was at uni I got very heavily involved with my college Christian Union. To this day I'm not really sure why. I'm not a total atheist. I believe in something, I've seen too many things not to believe in some sort of spirituality. But as time progressed I realised there was so much about the Christian faith that didn't feel right to me. The thing which seemed to get me the most was that despite everything I did with my church and CU, deep in my heart I knew I didn't believe what I was saying. There were so many questions going around my head and even when people tried to answer them for me it still didn't feel right.
In the end the big revelation hit me. I'd been living my life the way a 2000 year old book directed, and one which was written by man and selected by men. Not only that but I was spending so much of my time trying not to think certain things and feel certain things because it was 'wrong'. In the end I realised that everything I was doing was because of the promise of going to heaven. But I couldn't stop thinking that what if Christianity is wrong and there is no heaven. I'd have spent the whole of my life trying to do what was expected of me only to find that I'd wasted it all on nothing. The thought scared me so much that I knew then that I just couldn't believe anymore.
Now, all my friends from Uni were in the CU and I lost contact with pretty much all of them when we graduated. Now I'm going to see them all again at this girls wedding and I can't seem to bring myself to tell them about my new outlook. I just know that they'll all start telling me that these doubts are just the devil clouding my mind. That may be true, but what if it's not? I'll be back to the stage of trying to fight what I consider to be my true feelings. Oh bloody hell, maybe I'll just keep quiet at the wedding. After all I'm not likely to see most of them again after that