Insanity be here

[hils]

Round robin fic from merlinmeet


It was a sunny day in Camelot and Arthur decided it was the perfect weather for fucking outside. Merlin, however, was less convinced. Despite being a big fan of fucking, and fucking Arthur in particular, he did get rather bad hay fever and had allergies. So when Arthur started to grope him and slide his hand into his trousers he fluttered his eyelashes and said

“You know what would be really different and interesting? To do it in Morgana’s room.”

Arthur’s hand stopped moving.

Merlin rubbed his bum against Arthur encouragingly and said, “Well, we don’t have to, if you are scared of her. I mean, she would totally kill you if she caught us.”

Arthur, of course, could never resist a challenge. “So, we must just ensure that she doesn’t catch us.”

Merlin could have cast an invisibility spell, but he hadn’t told Arthur about his magic yet. Damn. They’d just have to go with distraction.

“You tell Gwen to walk naked past Morgana’s room.” Arthur said. “That should do the trick.”

“I can’t do that!” Merlin protested, drawing away.

“Yes, you can,” Arthur insisted; then paused, looking at Merlin up and down. “Although I’d rather you not go anywhere right now.”

And then he pulled Merlin back towards him, stroking his hands down the back of his trousers to the soft flesh of his arse, and holding him with all the fervour of a man who hadn’t had sex in a month. Which Arthur hadn’t. Because Morgana was always around.

Merlin was well aware that if he asked Gwen to walk naked past Morgana’s room she would realise what was going on and then she would come back to watch. Besides, he didn’t want to embarrass her if the knights so chance to see her. So, with the memory of Arthur’s hands on his body he went to find Gwen with a new plan.

Gwen was in Morgana’s dressing room arranging clothes: Morgana was around in the chamber next door, singing. Merlin sidled up to Gwen and whispered, “Is there anything…wrong in the armoury?”

Gwen blinked. “No, why?”

“Because I’ve just seen three knights walk through the courtyard with no trousers on. What’s happening?”

She giggled. “I don’t know, and don’t want to, and you shouldn’t spread such tales.”

“Sorry,” Merlin looked abashed, and left.

Two minutes later, he and Arthur, peeking round the corner, saw Gwen and Morgana exiting Morgana’s chamber at a quick jog, heading towards the courtyard.

“Great work,” Arthur whispered. “Now’s our chance!”

They sneaked into Morgana’s room and closed the door, and Merlin shot the bolt. There. Nothing could go wrong now. He pulled Arthur into a long, deep kiss, squeezing his arse as he did so.

The slash dragon was in his cave, settled on the top rock with his scrying bowl. It gave him great pleasure to watch the prince and his manservant go at it like monkeys. If he had had hands, he would have pat himself on the back.

Uther wondered why he still bothered talking to the dragon when he was clearly such a perv. Then Uther remembered the good times they had had. Despite their more recent spat (well, 25 years was ‘recent’ in the grand scheme of things), Uther knew he owed the dragon for the better years, the years of happiness, inter-species copulation and ultimately the birth of Arthur the Arsebaby. A well kept secret indeed…

“Gaius,” said Merlin hesitantly. “I’d like a love potion. Something to slip into my intended’s drink to make them love me as much as I love them.”

“I think I have just the thing,” said Gaius, looking in his drawers. “There is a lady in Camelot in which you are interested?”

“Well, not exactly a lady. Although he can be a bit of a drama queen…”

“Here you go,” said Gaius, pulling his massive package from his drawers and plonking it on the table in front of Merlin.

Merlin took a step back in shock.

“Is that your…COCK?” he spluttered.

“Oh, yes, sorry,” Gaius mumbled, blushing. Zipping up his trousers, he drew out a small vial from his pocket. “This is what you want. Put a droplet of this liquid into your intended’s drink and she will be totally randy for you.”

“It’s a he, actually. But thank you.”

They met in Kamelot Fried Chicken, for a romantic tete-a-tete. Servant and master. Lover and beloved. They sat either side of the round table, sipping strangely anachronistic Fanta from strangely anachronistic plastic goblets. When Arthur’s back was turned to berate the serving wench for shoddy service, Merlin pounced, pouring the contents of the vial into Arthur’s drink.

Arthur smiled at him, their eyes met over one goblet and Merlin felt a lot of fluffy soft feelings he’d never admit out loud.

He waited in anticipation as Arthur sipped his drink. His cheeks were flushed as the potion began to seep into his blood and lent forward as Arthur began to squirm in his seat.

“Merlin,” Arthur gasped. “I must have you. Now.”

Before Merlin could say anything Arthur swept their leftover food onto the floor and bent Merlin over the table.

It wasn’t quite fucking outside, but it was in public and the citizens of Camelot were getting an eyeful so it worked out well for all concerned.

The End.